Cirno News Network
by Another Man
Summary: A horrible attempt at a weekly news report by Cirno (or rather, the shameless author) about the happenings in Gensokyo. Maybe this will put Bunbunmaru out of business? Caution: Fictional slandering detected, proceed with caution. SPECIAL ISSUE: CHECKERED-DRESS WITCH UNCOVERS A DARK HAKUREI TRUTH. EDIT 19/12, please check the bottom of the page.
1. 3rd Day 10th Month Issue

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 3****rd**** Day of the 10****th**** Month**

_Undine smiles at a lawless month.  
The gods have forsaken you this day.  
Winter is coming,  
and so is my rise in Gensokyo._

_Shame on you, Suwako._

**_Contents_**

**I. HEADLINES**

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI. OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**MORIYA SUWAKO ABANDONS FAITHFUL**

Frog obsessed, childish and not-a-current-patron Earth Goddess of the Moriya Shrine had announced her intentions to go on leave, citing 'hibernation from the onset winter' as an excuse to disappear from her faithful followers.

"I have been serving the faithful for generations already," she was quoted saying at her farewell speech at the Moriya Shrine earlier today, much to the rage and curses from the crowd, to which she ignored. "I deserve a short break after countless decades of work. Besides, there's still Kanako and Sanae to attend to your needs."

Moriya Shrine is situated on Youkai Mountain itself, yet the followers it garnered were hardly youkai. In fact, these Outsiders crashed into Gensokyo not too long ago, and the current goddess demanded all upon the mountain to worship her. The incident was brought to the attention of the Youkai Number One Bully, Hakurei Reimu, who came and brought red-white justice to the aloof goddess.

Angry followers vent their frustrations, with one calling for a new goddess named Cirno to take over the current earth goddess. Others agreed and began chanting in unison. Slogans such as 'All hail Cirno the Strongest', 'Freeze the frogs' and 'Cirno for Goddess' were among the popular chants.

The whole of Gensokyo knows neither Yasaka Kanako, Goddess of the Wind and current patron goddess, nor Kochiya Sanae, Wind Priestess of the Moriya Shrine, were capable of keeping the curse gods, such as Mishaguji, in check, and yet the irresponsible earth goddess was demanding for a break. If she had ever thought to break off from her work, she shouldn't have committed herself in the first place.

As disgruntled followers started to file out of the poor excuse for a Moriya Shrine, our ace reporter, who was present at the scene, managed to gain a short interview with the useless goddess.

_(__**A.N.: Interviews are not edited by the Editor)**__  
Rumia: _Ms Moriya, I'm Rumia, reporter for the CNN Weekly.

_Suwako__: _ Oh hello, Rumia, but what's CNN Weekly? And I thought Aya would be doing this…?

_Rumia_: Cirno News Network Weekly. We run a weekly publishing, as our name states so. I'm also surprised Aya hasn't shown up today.

_Suwako_: Cirno? I don't know if I should be giving this interview, she might just rewrite everything to slander me.

_Rumia_: I can assure you, I'm the one writing for this article, she wouldn't be able to influence this.

_Suwako__:_ So what is it that you wanted to ask?

_Rumia__: _So you are claiming to be going on leave for the winter?

_Suwako_: I believe I said that so.

_Rumia__:_ Your faithful followers seemed to welcome this move.

_Suwako_: Even a goddess need a break. But as I had told my faithful, they are still welcome to look for me anytime, I wouldn't be going anywhere. Just that I wouldn't be officiating anything that the shrine is going to hold during winter.

_Rumia__:_ I didn't get what the crowd was chanting about earlier.

_Suwako_: That was just them praying once more for good weather and harvest for the next year.

_Rumia_: So even while on leave, you would continue to serve the faithful?

_Suwako__: _Definitely! I can never truly desert them, can I?

_Rumia_: Our readers will sure to be pleased with your response! Thank you for the interview!

_Suwako_: Moriya Shrine will continue to serve the people, regardless of faith. Please extend my gratitude to your readers for their continued support.

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**BICYCLE STOLEN IN BROAD DAYLIGHT**

A shiny new bicycle was reportedly stolen from its owner as she was feeding some cats at the local park in an attempt to get them under her control.

Chen, shikigami to another shikigami, Ran, was reported crying at the park upon discovering the loss of her new ride, which was supposedly belonging to her said master.

"I can't go home without that bicycle, or Ran's gonna shout into my ear again!" Chen was quoted to be saying as passer-bys tried to comfort her. What Chen was worried about was that Ran would shout 'CHEEEEEEEEEEEEN!' into her ear whenever she did something wrong. A search by passer-bys was conducted at the immediate vicinity, but the bicycle was nowhere to be found.

The bicycle was described to be purple and white in color, with a large honking horn between the two handlebars. Anyone who can find the bicycle and return it to Chen 'will be rewarded handsomely'.

**SAIGYOUJI YUYUKO WINS EATING COMPETITION ONCE AGAIN, WALKS AWAY WITH GOLD TROPHY**

The Ghostly Princess of the Netherworld and mistress of the Hakugyokurou mansion, was crowned champion at the annual Gensokyo Eating Competition, hosted just outside the Human Village.

With an eye-popping record timing of 14.36 seconds, recorded with precision by the timekeeper Izayoi Sakuya, Saigyouji managed to scoff down a whooping 50-pounder Corn and Beef Rice Burger, which was easily the size of a full-grown fairy. Coming in second was a Jiang Shi, Miyako Yoshika, with a timing of 5 minutes and 44.93 seconds. There was no second runner up as the rest of the competitors waved the white flag after less than halfway through their burgers.

Saigyouji has won in every annual competition held since the conception of the event.

**COLOSSAL FIGURE SIGHTED AT NIGHT LINKED TO NEW BAR'S OPENING NOTICES?**

Residents of the Human Village have reported sightings of a large silhouetted figure pulling at trees in the middle of the Forest of Magic in the wee hours of the night, then flinging them aside as if playing large blocks meant for young children. There has been no reports of injuries from the tossed trees.

There has been claims about notices suddenly appearing in the village as well, promising an alcohol bar to be opened soon in the same forest.

"It is as if that large monster was clearing out trees for the bar, if that monster was even trying to build one, that is," a female villager told our reporter, who had disguised as a human to enter the village for this report. At time of print, no information was given as to who the giant figure was, nor was there any other information about the mysterious bar that would open in the forest.

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**G.T.A.**

Tired of life in Gensokyo? Want to plan an escapade, but have already seen the whole of Gensokyo? Why not plan to travel to the Outer World? At affordable prices, we can help arrange a return travel ticket to the Outer World!

At Gap Travels Agency, we promise the fastest travelling method in the whole of Gensokyo, so travel time will never be a factor in your planning anymore!

Interested? Find out more at our offices, headquartered at the Mayohiga!

_Contact Information:_

_Yakumo Yukari  
Gap Travels Agency  
Mayohiga, Gensokyo_

_"There is no need to factor time in your holidays!"_

**MYSTIA'S MIRACLE GRILLED LAMPREY**

Eating fowl is foul, so why don't you try a new dish today?

Introducing you to my personal recipe, Grilled Lamprey! Crispy on the outside, tender on the inside, the flavor you have never imagined comes out with every bite!

If you are suffering from night blindness, my secret recipe will cure you instantly, a miracle no amount of carrots will ever be able to match! Drop by the Mystia's Food Cart today!

_Contact Information:_

_Mystia Lorelei  
_No other information from advertiser was given at time of print.

**FIREWOOD AND BURNING SERVICES**

Is starting a fire becoming a problem with lack of fire starting supplies for the upcoming winter? No problem! All you need is an express service from Fujiwara no Mokou!

From splintering firewood to igniting fires for an entire village, you can trust Mokou the Immortal! With centuries of experiences with the ignition industry, Mokou can start a fire on _any_ wood, even if it is soaking wet with water!

I, Mokou, pledge to deliver 100% satisfaction guaranteed services to my customers for the best rates in Gensokyo!

_Contact Information:_

_Fujiwara no Mokou  
5__th__ Street, Human Village  
First House on the Left_

_"You wooden be disappointed!"_

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**AN EIENTEI CLINICAL TRIAL**

Eirin has recently developed a new medicine for aiding in the cure for the common flu. Prescribing the medicine to a patient, she instructs the patient to take one dose every hour. If Eirin prescribed a total of 10 pills, how many hours does it take for the patient to complete the course?

* * *

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**3****rd**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **20°C/12°C**  
Chance of rain:** You wish you were Kogasa.

**4****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point:** 21°C/12°C  
**Chance of rain:** Laundry doesn't get done by itself, you know?

**5****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **21°C/14°C  
**Chance of rain:** They always said "red skies in the night, Kanako's delight, red skies in the morning, Kanako's warning". I think there would be both.

**6****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **23°C/16°C**  
Chance of rain:** Why don't you ask Suwako, it's her day of the week anyway!

**7****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **19°C/14°C**  
Chance of rain:** In this Jiang Shi apocalypse I have read about, the storm causes hordes of Jiang Shi coming for you. In this case, I believe you will be able to see Miyako Yoshika coming for you on this day.

**8****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **19°C/13°C**  
Chance of rain:** I have always wondered how the Underground managed to stay dry when it's raining Chens and Momijis on the surface.

**9****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **22°C/17°C**  
Chance of rain:** If you see a flash of bright light coming from the mansion across the lake, you can safely assume it isn't a bolt of lightning, but a beam of love.

_Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."_

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

Nobody died this week. If they did, they must still be in that dingy boat of Komachi's.

* * *

**Weekly article brought to you by  
**Cirno (Editor)  
Rumia (On-site Reporter)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**A.N.: This project is just in beta, hence the short length. I'm waiting to see if anybody actually has interests in stuff like this.**

**My current format starts off with headlines, which will (usually) be the largest segment of the weekly article, complete with an interview by Rumia, which would not be 'edited' by the editor. Otherwise, everything else risks a touch of Cirno.**

**Following it would be three smaller news reports, some weird advertisements, a random puzzle for readers to work their minds on, fake weather reports and a humor-intended obituary, which would include Shiki's judgement and the journey across the Sanzu Lake.**

**If you haven't noticed, the date format was based on the actual Japanese calendar. The small passage after the date describes October as _Kannazuki_, or Godless Month (I've read somewhere else it might be Month of the Gods instead), and that water symbolizes Wednesdays. Earth represents Saturdays, so a small reference to Suwako could be found on the weather report.**

**Names which sounds English will be written in First/Last name format, with Japanese or other Asian names going the opposite way.  
**

**Lastly, about the Jiang Shi part in the weather reports, it's a reference to the storm crescendo in Hard Rain of the Left 4 Dead 2 game, where the storm will cause a horde of zombies to rush and attack you due to the loud noise it generates.**

**Information within this article, even though it's all out of imaginary, may or may not be realistic/accurate. Do point these out to me if you spot something.**


	2. 10th Day 10th Month Issue

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 10****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month**

_Now you see me (1),  
Now you don't(0).  
Now you see me (1),  
Now you don't(0)._

_I don't think that's how you play hide and seek.  
Shame on you, Suwako._

* * *

**_Contents_**

**I.****HEADLINES**

**II.****NEWS REPORTS**

**III.****ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV.****WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V.****WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI.****OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**KARAKASA POPULACE SLAMS 'THE REMILIA'S UMBRELLA SONG'**

Nosebleed Productions' latest released album titled 'Scarlet Rain' had caused massive protests that threatened to disrupt the peace of Gensokyo, thanks to one of the greatest hit song in the album.

The karakasa populace is seeking to sue Nosebleed Productions for 'extremely annoying, unlawful, suggestive and possessive acts against umbrellas' after listening to the song they once proclaimed as 'The Song for the Karakasa', even as the celebrity singer, Remilia Scarlet, had declared otherwise weeks prior to album release.

"I have never said (The Remilia's Umbrella Song) was meant for the karakasa," Scarlet, also mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, told reporters at the news conference held at Hakurei Shrine. "It was simply a song I came up with my own. Catchy it may sound, but I had no intentions to hurt anyone. It's their own damned fault for implying as such!"

When asked about the lyrics 'You are part of my entity, here for infinity', in which the karakasa populace was most displeased with, Scarlet only responded with a shrug. "Once again, and for umpteenth time, it's just a song! I'm not implying that the karakasa are slaves to anyone, right? And if you read deeper into the song, it's a romance song for another person, not to an umbrella!"

Representative karakasa of the Karakasa Against Umbrella Cruelty Movement (KAUCM), Tatara Kogasa, stormed through the closed doors of the conference and dismissed the reason as 'a paltry notion to mislead listeners into adapting possessive behaviors against umbrellas'. Other karakasa, who had crashed the news conference as well, echoed in angry support for their leader.

As Scarlet replied that she was only showing her appreciation for the parasol she carries daily, which protects her against sunlight, Tatara accused her of plotting something similar to the Scarlet Mist incident. "You are just trying to get everybody to possess an umbrella in support of your weakness against the sunlight!"

"And what is with dragging of the word 'umbrella' into 'umbrella ella ella eh eh eh', eh?" Tatara demanded. "It's simply 'umbrella'! And it doesn't have to go 'In Remilia's Umbrella, ella ella, eh eh eh'. This sure doesn't sound like an appreciation song!"

Remilia Scarlet, one of the most celebrated singers in Gensokyo, has released 9 albums, all greatest hits, since XXX year.

**(One to one interview held during tea time break outside the Hakurei Shrine)**_  
__Rumia__: _Remilia, just a short one here.

_Remilia__: _Rumia? I was expecting a crow tengu.

_Rumia_: I'm from Cirno News Network Weekly. About…

_Remilia_: Cirno? Oh, that new weekly article rival for Bunbunmaru?

_Rumia_: You are right! About the incident inside the conference earlier, Kogasa was only trying to get your autograph for the album.

_Remilia__:_ I guess the karakasa was simply too excited, and it attracted the attention of the fairy security guards. I understand that they are some of my biggest fans around.

_Rumia__: _I love your songs too! In fact, they are some of the best written ones around. You had also mentioned a gig you would hold in Makai sometime soon?

_Remilia_: That I did. I'm afraid tickets are limited, so I would advise all my fans to get theirs' early. Here's a couple of grandstand tickets for you and your partner to cover the event.

_Rumia__:_ Oh, thank you, Remilia! You sure are a nice vampire!

_Remilia_: Anything for my diehard fans, although the Prismriver Sisters still are doing a lot better than I.

_Rumia__:_ Off the record, I promise (**A.N.: which Rumia forgot to remove before print**). Has Yuyuko personally attended any of your gigs?

_Remilia_: My second gig, I think. Along with Youmu too, although recently I haven't seen either of them.

_Rumia_: You think they might not like your songs?

_Remilia__: _Off the record right? I honestly don't care. Why the mention about the Saigyouji princess anyway?

_Rumia_: Oh, her name crossed my mind after you mentioned the Prismrivers. Thank you for your time, Remilia!

_Remilia_: Off the record for this too. I have read your previous issue of CNN Weekly, and if Cirno dares write anything similar to that about me, well, let's just say, Misty Lake isn't too far from my mansion. Check this out 'Scarlet Sign: Remilia's Umbrella".

_Rumia_: Your fans will sure to be glad you are doing another gig in Makai soon!

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**THE EXPLODING MARGATROID RESIDENCE! ALICE OUT FOR VENGEANCE!**

The once peaceful day at the Forest of Magic was once again shattered when the roof of the Margatroid residence rocketed off its position, stars and multi-colored smokes marking its path to ascension.

Alice Margatroid, owner of the small house, stood fuming outside as she surveyed the damage to her abode. When approached by our reporter, she only had this to say: "It's her. It has to be her, AGAIN. Why can't she leave me alone?"

This year alone, Margatroid's house has been damaged for a total of ninety-nine times, and while nobody had came forward to claim responsibility, the victim had always mentioned the same name to investigators.

**KOURINDOU DAMAGED IN ARSON ATTEMPT**

Morichika Rinnosuke, owner of antique shop near the Forest of Magic, yesterday managed to bring the fires on his shop 'under control' after an apparent attempt at arson on his shop.

"I have no idea who did this," Morichika was quoted saying to reporters. "But I believe it had to be due to my most recent acquired goods, the Gintendo Namegirl. Recently I told a few interested customers about how advanced this piece of item was, and that no inventor's works in the whole of Gensokyo could rival it."

As our reporter was leaving the scene with no leads, a half-eaten cucumber was spotted under a tree nearest to the shop, but was simply dismissed as 'litter' after much deliberation.

**IBUKI SUIKA BREAKS RECORD FOR TEST OF STRENGTH**

Now-former record holder, Hoshiguma Yuugi, barreled through the solid door she had made for her own home when the horrible news arrived at her doorstep, scaring our one daring reporter.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" Hoshiguma had roared in a thunderous voice. "THAT FLAT CHESTED ONI COULDN'T EVEN BEAT ME. HOW CAN SHE ACCOMPLISH SUCH A FEAT?" When told about how Ibuki had split into many forms of herself and added their strength to amplify the total force, Hoshiguma barely contained her rage as she worked herself into a frenzy and shortly after, left for the surface, claiming to want to 'strangle that little idiot to death'.

Ibuki was said to be celebrating her new record with free sake distributed to anybody she meets for the next three days.

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**JOB OFFER AS LIBRARY GUARD IN VOILE**

Requirements:

-Ability to recognize intruders  
-Resistant to the power of love  
-Hates witches  
-Has basic skills in resuscitation  
-Able to work long hours without dozing off

Good remunerations and benefits to be expected, to be discussed only with successful applicants.

Interested applicants are to mail to the below-mentioned address. Family members of the Kirasame clan need not apply.

_Contact Information:_

_Patchouli Knowledge  
Voile, Scarlet Devil Mansion_

_"Judge a book not by its cover, but by the knowledge it seals therein."_

**PART TIME MEDICAL EXPERIMENT ASSISTANT REQUIRED**

Ever dreamt of being the first successful subject to be cured of an incurable disease? Here is your chance! As our laboratory experiments are nearing perfection, we require healthy non-Inaba test subjects to further test our remedies.

All experiments are guaranteed, by Lunarian technology, to be 100% safe and effects reversible.

_Contact Information:_

_Yagokoro Eirin  
Eientei Diagnostics & Laboratory  
Eientei, Gensokyo_

_"There's no such thing as immortality. If anyone claims to be so, they are not immortals, but immorals."_

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**Last week's answer: 9.** Do not forget the first pill taken at the 0th hour.

**REBUILDING OF THE HAKUREI SHRINE**

After being destroyed a third time, this time by an irresponsible frog-obsessed goddess, Hakurei Reimu enlisted the help of Ibuki Suika, an Oni, to help rebuild the Hakurei Shrine. Possessing the ability to alter the density of materials, Ibuki offered the hopeless red-white miko two building materials:

Material :** A**  
Amount of Material **A** needed for one unit of construction block: **20.23kg**  
Time needed to form Material **A**: 12 seconds

Material :** B**  
Amount of Material **B **needed for one unit of construction block: **40.46kg**  
Time needed to form Material **B **: 6 seconds

**Note: Regardless of material A or B, a total of X units of either material, which cannot be used together, is needed for construction.**

Ibuki quoted all prices in number of months she could freeload at the rebuilt Hakurei Shrine, but obviously the poverty-stricken hopeless miko could not afford a freeloader. Master genius and strongest fairy of Gensokyo, Cirno, then happened along and offered Material **C**, which required less material and time per unit. She also showed that the resulting unit made from Material **C** requires lesser blocks to rebuild the Hakurei Shrine. Being the poverty-stricken and hopeless miko, Hakurei was quick in calculating and realized the master genius fairy was right.

**Question: How many units of Material C was used to complete the construction of the new Hakurei Shrine?**

* * *

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**10****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **22°C/15°C**  
Chance of rain:** The energy of the sun was recently renewed through nuclear fusion, courtesy of Utsuho.

**11****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point:** 22°C/19°C  
**Chance of rain:** Even Yuuka wouldn't let Wriggle wriggle out of the mansion from her tortures, as it will be pouring outside.

**12****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **20°C/17°C  
**Chance of rain:** They always said "red skies in the night, Kanako's delight, red skies in the morning, Kanako's warning". If it didn't rain on this day last week, it will rain. If it did rain, it will not rain.

**13****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **23°C/19°C**  
Chance of rain:** Somebody reminded me Suwako has abandoned the people. Here, let the master genius tell you about the weather on this day: I'm still wondering.

**14****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **23°C/18°C**  
Chance of rain:** If the number of people carrying parasols on this day is odd, it will rain. If it's even, it will rain. If it's zero, it will not rain, but this is impossible, seeing Yukari holds onto her parasol as a bolster even during her sleep, so the number will always be greater than 0.

**15****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **23°C/21°C**  
Chance of rain:** This be a sad day, where the younger one of siblings starts crying. This will move the rain god so much that he would postpone the rain, but on a second thought, I don't think we have a rain god.

**16****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **24°C/20°C**  
Chance of rain:** The skies are clear, the mercury is rising, so we can all start stripping off again!

_Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."_

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

**Deceased: Hong Meiling  
Date of Death: 5****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Cause of Death: Sleep-induced comatose**

**Yama's Judgment**

Grey… this is really a first. I must admit, your time isn't up. Get the heck out of my halls before I decided to pretend it's black. But do take my advice: sleep more in the day, and be wide and fresh for your nap at night.

**Shikigami of Yama's comments**

What? She didn't pay for the trip, because she promised me a flower on her next trip with me! Flower? Yes, I love them. I've read all about the garden she had been working on for the past years, they really grow nicely and even survived winter!

Honestly, I should have tossed her over into the Sanzu River, but lately it's getting tiring to toss souls repeatedly on a daily basis. I mean, come on, I've tossed fifty… maybe sixty that day? Shiki doesn't like me slacking, so I just have to pretend I'm working, even if those souls had paid up. I think I remember tossing somebody with that weird third eye attached with strings or something. She's rich, but too bad, Shiki was watching me, I could just feel it.

Old saying goes for us working-class slaves: Work too hard, Yama brings up the level. Get caught slacking after a laborious day by some cursed twist of fate, Yama thinks you are slacking all the way. So here's a hint for everyone: Balance your work and play time!

**_Funeral to be held at:_**

_No funeral will be held, as she's completely alive.  
I don't even know why this is needed in your stupid weekly._

_-Remilia Scarlet_

* * *

**Weekly article brought to you by  
**Cirno (Editor)  
Rumia (On-site Reporter)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**A.N.: Second of my beta. There are some references to Touhou and non-Touhou in this article, so good job if you can spot all of them.**

**Also, if you haven't noticed, the only part where you can believe a story is true is based on Rumia's interview. Everything else before that should just be taken with a pinch of salt.**

**About this being a weekly… I do *try* my best, but imagination for something good can't last forever.**


	3. 17th Day 10th Month Issue

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 17****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month**

_Four days ago,  
99 days were left in the year.  
The coming of winter, with its frostbite,  
threatens to feed upon the poor souls abandoned by the gods._

_Shame on you, Suwako._

* * *

**_Contents_**

**I. HEADLINES**

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI. OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**SHAMEIMARU DEFEATED IN AGILITY CHALLENGE**

Yet another impossible incident happened when Shameimaru Aya, dishonest and panty-obsessed reporter of the poor performing Bunbunmaru Newspaper, also claiming to be the fastest in Gensokyo, was soundly defeated in a speed-of-sound race against an unknown youkai.

The unknown bi-pedal youkai, Faster (not his real name), had called on Shameimaru's bluff and challenged her to a ground-based circuit race in the plains near the Misty Lake. Each racer had disappeared from the starting point into a blur, but it was obvious Faster had been the faster racer when Shameimaru only touched the finishing line a solid second after he did.

Shameimaru blamed her defeat on her choice of clothing and the load of a camera, compared to the naked but normal-looking frame of a blue body and spiky hair on the back of his head, complete with red-white running shoes, that was of Faster. The winner of the race posed for all the fairies that had gathered at the finishing line with a foot crossed over, pointed down, a hand held up and wagged a finger, one which he claimed to be his trademark pose. Some of the fairies present had fainted from their cheering, with one demanding to bear his children.

Shameimaru, finally accepting her loss, had fell onto her knees at Faster's feet, in front of the large crowd that had gathered at the plains, and proposed to marry Faster to be the Fastest Couple of Gensokyo, to which Faster had rejected. "Sorry, girl, I've already rejected Amy, don't want another girl getting on my tail!"

Without waiting for another second or to even give his name to the crowd, Faster disappeared into his blue blur and sped out of the plains… right into a darkness-filled orb ambush laid by our intrepid reporter, Rumia.

**_(Interview as follows)_**_  
__Rumia__: _Stranger, you who defeated Aya!

_'Faster'__:_Whoa! What's with this black hole here? I gotta go before Amy comes after me! Gotta go faster!

_Rumia_: I'm from Cirno News Network Weekly. You are…

_'Faster'_: Faster! I need to go! Gotta go faster!

_Rumia_: 'Faster'? Is that your real name? Nevertheless, just a short interview here. And you are safe in this orb of darkness, nobody can see you from outside… or inside, for that matter.

_'Faster'__:_ In that case, I could settle for a break.

_Rumia__: _My name is Rumia.

_'Faster'_: Nice to meet you, Rumia, although I can't see you. Strange, I noticed that there are a lot of girls here. Must be a mistake to have escaped to this dimension, I have enough of girls chasing me!

_Rumia__:_ Is that so~? I don't know why, I can't see you either in this darkness, even though I'm a darkness youkai.

_'Faster'_: Wait, everybody here is a youkai?

_Rumia__:_ Half of Gensokyo is.

_'Faster'_: Am I a youkai to you?

_Rumia_: Well, you don't seem to be from Gensokyo, and despite your red-white shoes which I had seen earlier, you don't seem to be affiliated with Hakurei Shrine. Calling you a 'youkai' sounds right.

_'Faster'__: _Haku-what? I don't know anybody here, you can say I'm an alien.

_Rumia_: What's an alien?

_'Faster'_: Oh, you don't know what an alien is? Ask the humans!

_Rumia_: Never mind. Back to the interview.

_'Faster"_: Hmm, what is it?

_Rumia_: How did you feel about winning the race against Aya?

_'Faster'_: Aya? That's her name? The way she speaks sounds exactly like her name!

_Rumia_: Unfortunately, yes. Are you really the fastest?

_'Faster'_: In my world, yes! I defeat that fat man genius countless times, and it's all about speed! Gotta go faster than your enemy, you know?

_Rumia_: I'm… not catching this well.

_'Faster'_: You gotta be faster to get the edge over the enemy.

(Strange feminine voice calling for the stranger to come out of hiding, and that there was no way he was going to avoid marrying her)

_'Faster'_: Crap! That's Amy! Gotta go faster, faster, faster faster!

_'Rumia'_: Thank you for the interview, Faster!

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**WHITE WOLF TENGU RAISES ALERT ON YOUKAI MOUNTAIN**

Inubashiri Momiji has begun deploying more guards around the mountain after a nuclear device encased in ice was discovered planted in the inner sanctum of the Moriya Shrine.

"It's bewildering that anybody could have sneaked that past us," Inubashiri was quoted saying to reporters. "As of now, we do have one suspect in mind, but she has been denying involvement in any assassination attempts against the goddesses and their priestess."

Interview requests to Reiuji Utsuho, the prime suspect, were denied by the mistress of Chireiden. "She has absolutely nothing to do with the nuclear device," Komeji Satori told reporters at the entrance. "Please leave us as we have a job to do."

**KAMISHIRASAWA SCHOOL OPENS ANNUAL PRESTIGIOUS EXAMINATIONS**

The much coveted Examination has been opened once again to the cheers of the residents of the Human Village. This 'Examination' offers a wide variety of topics in which one would be tested on his or her knowledge in that particular field. The reward is the coveted Master title in that field of study for the year, allowing one to claim rights to being the most knowledgeable, along with the huge prize money for the Master.

Anyone, regardless of human or youkai, are welcome to apply to the Kamishirasawa School on any of the available topics.

Past year's Masters' Hall of Honor were as follows:

Master of Numerical Calculations: Cirno  
Master of Innovative Design: Cirno  
Master of Nature of Gensokyo: Cirno  
Master of Easy-mode Battles: Cirno  
Master of Bullet Design and Beauty: Cirno  
Master of Anthropology: Cirno  
Master of Linear Danmaku: Cirno  
Master of Language of Gensokyo: Cirno

**YAKUMO'S G.T.A. RECEIVES FIRST COMPLAIN**

Gap Travels Agency, owned by the sleepyhead Yakumo Yukari, received their first customer complain from a traveler, who declined to be named.

"Yukari opened the gap for me to go through on my first day, and completely forgot to open it again for me to return to Gensokyo just three hours later!" the traveler told reporters, some two hundred and forty hours after she first left Gensokyo. "Some 'return ticket', indeed! Any idea how hard was it to survive in the Outer World with no money or food? And at this rate, my shrine isn't going to get any donations if the shrine maiden isn't around!"

When approached for comments, Ran, Shikigami to Yakumo, only had this to say: "My master sleeps more than 12 hours a day, perhaps our customer might have gotten to her just an hour before she had gone to bed."

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE**

Target: Kirisame Marisa  
Description: Black-white 'Ordinary Magician of Love and Spark'  
Last seen: Grabbing pills  
Bounty Reward: Lifetime free consultation at Eientei Pharmacy

_Contact Information:_

_Reisen Udonge 'Inaba'  
Eientei Pharmacy  
Bamboo Forest of the Lost, Gensokyo_

_"Marisa, just pay up, will you?"_

**You-Moo-Kyuu! Dairy Farm**

Ever wonder where the best milk of Gensokyo comes from? That's right, direct from the You-Moo-Kyuu! farm! A jointly-run farm by Konpaku Youmu and Patchouli Knowledge, we have been supplying the majority of your milk needs daily since decades ago, probably before any of you were even born!

For our 40th anniversary, we are opening the farm to the whole of Gensokyo for tours and milk at discounted prices! Come down today and have a look at how your delicious breakfast milk is made, as well as meet the staff who work tirelessly to bring you your daily fix!

_Contact information:_

_Konpaku Youmu  
Director of You-Moo-Kyuu! Farm  
Great Plains between Garden of the Sun and Human Village, Gensokyo_

_"The cows go You-MOOOOOO and the calves go MOOOOOO-kyuu!"_

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**Last week's answer: 1.** Only one unit of material, be it A, B or C, is required to complete construction.

**SIMPLE MATHEMATICAL PROBLEM**

Everybody dies at some point, immortal or not. Why does Cirno, the master genius mathematician, never die?

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**17****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **22°C/15°C**  
Chance of rain:** Flandre was said to have destroyed a meteor on this day years ago. What happened to the rest of the storm?

**18****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point:** 20°C/15°C  
**Chance of rain:** Seasons come and go, and we will always follow the same tracks.

**19****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **20°C/14°C  
**Chance of rain:** Thank goodness it's Fifth day of the week! Time for a drink, and be sure to not leave your laundry out while you do.

**20****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **19°C/15°C**  
Chance of rain:** The gods have abandoned you, so be prepared for floods.

**21****st**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **19C/15°C**  
Chance of rain:** Just wondering, you are still taking our advice, right? It will rain on the day before the day after the next before today.

**22****nd**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **18°C/14°C**  
Chance of rain:** Bring Remilia's Umbrella with you and you will find yourself sheltering from nothing.

**23****rd**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **18°C/16°C**  
Chance of rain:** I don't know why, yukkuris seem to fear the weather on this day.

_Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."_

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

**Deceased: Shameimaru Aya  
Date of Death: 15****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Cause of Death: Suicide from self-inflicted wound**

**Yama's Judgment**

Black. Off to hell with you… on the other hand, they don't want you taking photos in hell. Too bright and stuff, you know? Just stay as what you are… resurrection!

**Shikigami of Yama's comments**

I can't believe I let this one take my photo. Well, it was her form of payment after claiming to have lost her purse during a race, which she had also lost.

Looking at my photo, all I could see was an idiot wearing a robe, rowing a dinky boat with a scythe. Honestly, that's me, doing my job everyday without fail. I don't slack, the Yama knows it. I may have gotten back problems from that posture, and if I did, I haven't noticed. Aya took this chance to take photos of my back, showing me obvious signs of back problems.

I asked her about her obsession with panty-shots, and she simply said it was done for a secret subscription service for the males, including her VIP customer Rinnosuke. I politely declined when she asked to take mine, although I did encourage her to try it with Shiki; she has sexy legs!

**_Funeral to be held at:_**

_HEY GUYS, KEEP AN EYE ON THIS SPACE FOR A WEDDING INVITATION!_

_-Shameimaru Aya_

* * *

**Weekly article brought to you by  
**Cirno (Editor)  
Rumia (On-site Reporter)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**A.N.: If you haven't realized a few things after reading this installment, here they are:**

**Headlines: The youkai in question is obviously none other than Sonic the Hedgehog and his "Gotta go faster" song from the dubbed-version cartoon Sonic X. I was thinking about this particular episode when planning for my other story "Touhou Generations" (please give it a read if you haven't!), but decided not to include that in the story since it was mainly about Reimu and not the tengu reporter. Also, this issue's headlines isn't particularly slanderous, and actually spoke truth of the incident, as could be seen in Rumia's interview. And by the way, the canonical Sonic doesn't speak like that.**

**17/10 EDIT for Headlines: This is a one-off effort on a cross-genre character in Gensokyo, so you can expect none of this in future issues.  
**

**Kamishirasawa News Report: The first letter of every subject spells "N-I-N-E-B-A-L-L".**

**Wanted: I was looking at this 'WANTED' poster on Left 4 Dead about Louis. Need anymore hints? "Grabbin' peelz."**

**18****th**** day Weather Report: Translated lyrics from "The Song of Mana" from the game 'Legend of Mana'**

**23****rd**** day Weather Report: Yukkuris melt in rain, I'm led to believe from reading around.**

**Komachi's comments: Her last sentence is the reason why Aya was supposedly sent to hell… apparently our lovely crow tengu tried ****_that_****.**


	4. 24th Day 10th Month Issue

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 24****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month**

_Gensokyo celebrates founding of United Gensokyo,  
While our gods still remain hidden from our prayers.  
Disasters after disasters have befell on us,  
yet salvation seems far  
while winter seems nigh._

_Shame on you, Suwako._

* * *

**_Contents_**

**I.****HEADLINES**

**II.****NEWS REPORTS**

**III.****ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV.****WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V.****WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI.****OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**CIRNO DETHRONES KOMEJI, CROWNED AS NEW QUEEN  
**

After a grueling two hours of indecisive actions and stalemate, victory becomes clear at the grand finals of the annual Gensokyo Shogi Tournament when Cirno made a strategic move with the Knight and declared checkmate on her opponent, the once reigning and shameless-cheating Gensokyo Queen of Shogi, Komeji Satori, whom at that point recognized the defeat and signaled her intention to resign from the game.

Audiences and judges present at the tournament hushed into total silence at the mere sight of the mighty Master Genius and Strongest Fairy Cirno's victory over one whom nobody had thought would have been possible to defeat in a game of mental sports. The silence continued, mostly in awe and surprise that a certain karakasa could not conjure up, when Komeji stood up and executed a full formal bow to her diminutive opponent opposite the table.

The annual Gensokyo Shogi Tournament first conceived six years ago, at the behest of Shiki Eiki, Highest Judge of Paradise in Gensokyo, to foster intelligence and strategic solutions to the population of Gensokyo, although she had admitted it to be simply out of boredom. "If one is able to outmaneuver the other in Shogi, it shows the level of intelligence this being has, and conflicts in Gensokyo could have been avoided," Shiki was quoted saying, as part of her opening speech of the grand finals. "To apply Shogi to your daily life, one must first clear your mind of any impurities and focus solely on the task ahead. Forget about danmaku, whoever who came up with that is a total dimwit. Why choose violence and art over a simple, fun and peaceful method such as Shogi?"

As the Yama herself approached the table to crown the winner of this year's tournament, Cirno had only this to say: "I'm glad a fairy has finally beaten the satori! You humans out there better stop thinking us fairies as idiots, for I, Cirno, Master Genius, Strongest Fairy, will kick your butt if you do!" The crowd went wild as Yama placed the golden crown on the ice fairy's head, formally christening the title upon her. Komeji, in her bad sportsmanship spirit, simply strode out of the arena shortly, tears evident with her eye-rubbing actions.

**_(Interview with Komeji Satori outside the arena)_**_  
__Rumia__: _Satori! I was rooting for you to win! What happened?

_Komeji__: _Rumia? You rooted for me? I was expecting everybody to hate me!

_Rumia_: Is that so? That's because Cirno, despite her boasted intelligence, could _not_ have won. I was even surprised when she made it this far, right into the grand finals!

_Komeji_: True that, although among the thoughts of some of the judges around, Cirno had bribed them to allow her into the finals.

_Rumia_: Mind reading, I knew it! That's why everybody hated you for being the Queen!

_Komeji__: _It is to be expected. I had even defeated my own sister in the semi finals with this ability.

_Rumia__: _You would have thought the Yama would ban such abuse of powers in the tournament?

_Komeji_: I can't help myself, I must admit. The audience, they were so noisy, I had a hard time concentrating on the game itself. Their thoughts were all unified against me, screaming in their minds about a certain cheater, although I did hear some of encouragement for me. And yes, I believe that came from you.

_Rumia__:_ Actually, I'm pretty glad you are giving me time to speak my mind despite already knowing what I'm going to say.

_Komeji_: It took me years of self discipline. Okuu and Orin were glad I stopped interrupting them too, although they took some time to get used to it. And please stop shouting 'is that so' in your brain, it's really hurting my ears.

_Rumia__:_ Let's get back to the tournament. How did you lose to Cirno?

_Komeji_: I spoke of my mind-reading abilities, thanks to my third eye here. *Satori gave her third eye a loving caress* In all the rounds I fought in, the opponent's mind was wide open to me. Their next move, their strategies, their fears of facing me and so on. It was with that that allowed me to progress all the way to the finals, and has been this way since six years ago.

_Rumia_: There should not have been a reason for you to lose to the *looks around for Cirno* _idiot_!

_Komeji__: _You are right, that is _exactly_ the reason why I lost.

_Rumia_: Is that so? What do you mean?

_Komeji_: Being an idiot is the reason why Cirno beat me.

_Rumia_: I don't get it.

_Komeji_: Cirno is such an idiot, she has no brains, and without a brain to think, I am unable to hear her thoughts. She was this complete silent opponent sitting across from me! I don't even know what she was planning!

_Rumia_: What? That is impossible!

_Komeji_: Without anything to guide me, I had to rely on my own skills. Fortunately, through all these six years, I had picked up the strategies and skills used against me, but that wasn't enough!

_Rumia_: This can't be true! You have faced off with most of Gensokyo's intelligent and high level players, what else were you lacking that allowed Cirno to clinch the crown this year?

_Komeji_: Weren't you inside earlier? Did you feel a chill?

_Rumia_: It has always been chilly when I'm working with Cirno.

_Komeji_: I know it when I was looking at my pieces! I vaguely remember noticing one of my pieces guarding the flank of my King. When she made the move for the checkmate, I realized the piece wasn't there! Cirno must have done something!

_ Rumia_: You mean, like freeze everything all around her and grabbing the piece while you weren't looking? You could have sensed that plot from her, even if nobody realized it!

_Komeji_: You aren't getting it, are you? She has _no brains_! I couldn't figure out what she was up to!

_Rumia_: Could it be Cirno had cheated?

_Komeji_: I. Don't. KNOW! *runs away screaming at top top of her voice*

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**LORELEI FOUND CRITICALLY WOUNDED NEAR GARDEN OF THE SUN**

Grilled lamprey seller Mystia Lorelei, a youkai of Darkness herself, was found by passer-bys near Kazami Yuuka's residence on the 18th day, half buried into the ground under a tree. Her face had been covered in her own blood and she suffered deep gashes on her body, almost rendering her unrecognizable, if not for the strangely perfectly untouched food cart standing some distance away from the scene.

Our reporter approached Kazami in her garden, who only had this to say: "I have totally no idea what would have happened to that bird-brained friend of yours, except she tried to sell me some grilled lamprey. Fortunately, I had guests from the Netherworld to entertain today, so I didn't do anything to her for trespassing, but seeing that my guests had just left moments ago, why don't you ask them?"

Lorelei has since been taken to Eientei and remains in total shock, although her injuries are showing signs of recovery.

**GREATER FAIRY GROWS ANOTHER INCH: 23****RD**** DAY MARKED AS FAIRIES DAY**

Record holder for the tallest fairy of Gensokyo, Daiyousei, did her monthly measurements and was discovered to have grown a full inch in height in a month, along with increasing another size on her bust in four months.

"It's really great to know I'm still growing," Daiyousei told reporters. "Who knows, one day I would be able to grow until I resemble a human with fairy wings? Or would I grow bigger than them, instead? The fairies of Gensokyo would be proud to have me as their idol! However, this comes with a price of having more weight being put on. I mean, it's inevitable, but if I have to weigh just as much as a human does just to maintain my height, I guess there's nothing else I can do, right?"

Fairies of Gensokyo proclaimed the 23rd Day of the 10th Month to be the new annual Fairies Day, replacing 11th day of the 8th Month, which was the last date Daiyousei was declared to have grown further.

**YAKITORI BUSINESS BOOMS OUTSIDE HUMAN VILLAGE**

Despite being an outcast in the village and opening a side business of fire services, Fujiwara no Mokou reported increased sales in her yakitori business just outside the Human Village, citing the success to her effort in preventing youkai from assaulting the village.

"Without those meddlesome youkai around, humans are now more daring to leave the village and travel to my yakitori stand," the immortal said. "One of the feedbacks from my customers spoke of a certain youkai who peddles her business along this stretch of road, and that thanks to my presence, the youkai has not appeared for days. If this keeps up, I will be able to afford that room painting services someone in the village was offering. As an added bonus, maybe I could spend more for fireproof paint, but let's see, shall we?"

The youkai Fujiwara spoke of was none other than Mystia Lorelei, who usually peddled her grilled lamprey along the same stretch of road daily.

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**MYOUREN TEMPLE COUNSELLING SERVICES**

Sometimes, in life, immortal or not, one encounters problems. Some problems can simply be left alone to heal, some require you to work on it, a smaller few requires the attention of a shrine maiden. But there are a few problems where one cannot solve on their own despite their best efforts.

Hijiri Byakuren at the Myouren Temple welcomes both youkai and humans in for free counseling services on your next visit to our temple! Talk your problems out to somebody who can give you sagely advice, because sometimes all you need is a listening ear.

_Contact Information:_

_Hijiri Byakuren  
Myouren Temple  
Outside Human Village, Gensokyo_

_"Utopia isn't created when mankind unites, it only happens when both mankind AND youkai unite."_

**MISSING: BICYCLE**

HELP HELP HELP

RAN WILL KILL ME IF I DON'T FIND THAT BICYCLE SOON

HELP HELP HELP

_Contact information:_

_Chen  
_No other contact information given at time of print.

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**Last week's answer: Because EYE AM THE STRONGEST**. (Rumia's note: Makes no sense, but Cirno insisted on this)

**MIND YOUR ON-I BUSINESS**

Two oni opened an alcohol bar in the Underground, charging 1000 yen (**A.N.: I don't know what Gensokyo uses for currency, so let's leave it at yen for now)** for one mug of their favorite sake. On their first day of business, a very drunk Hakurei Reimu stumbled in and demanded one mug of sake, to which one of the oni, Ibuki Suika, happily obliged. Within the next five minutes, Yakumo Yukari, equally drunk, dragged herself in and wanted half of what Hakurei had ordered.

Five minutes later, champion slacker of slackers Onozuka Komachi entered the bar and asked for half of what Yakumo ordered. This continued for a total of one hundred customers in one day at the bar, ending with a bar fight between Kirisame Marisa and Alice Margatroid.

**Question: Assuming all customers managed to pay for their drinks (with Hakurei's tab being picked up by Yakumo), how much did the oni make for that day? Round off your answer to the next higher whole number.**

* * *

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**23****rd**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **18°C/14°C**  
Chance of rain:** Recently we have fired one of our weathermen, because the weather never agreed with him.

**24****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point:** 17°C/12°C  
**Chance of rain:** Is that actually rain or just you walking under clothes hung out to dry on the roof?

**25****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **17°C/12°C  
**Chance of rain:** Metal day? Beware of rust!

**26****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **18°C/12°C**  
Chance of rain:** Happy Suwako-Is-Gone day!

**27****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **18C/14°C**  
Chance of rain:** As I stare into the clouds above us, I can only wonder why the dark clouds are _never_ covering the Garden of the Sun.

**28****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **16°C/13°C**  
Chance of rain:** Full moon. Beware of the fangs, they bath in the rain of blood.

**29****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **17°C/15°C**  
Chance of rain:** Check the stretch outside the Human Village. If you smell yakitori, it's safe to leave your umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh at home. If you hear off-key singing, the rain god will shower his tears of joy on you. But then again, do we have a rain god? Maybe I should be one!

_Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."_

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

**Deceased: Unknown, but we are sure somebody died  
Date of Death: Unknown  
Cause of Death: Even the Yama doesn't know**

**Yama's Judgment**

I'm telling you again, I'm pretty sure somebody is supposed to arrive today. How about you go check the Sanzu River to see if my shikigami is slacking off again?

**Shikigami of Yama's comments**

…What soul? Somebody died? Nope, nope, didn't see anyone. *takes a swig of sake from a familiar-looking gourd* Ahh, that hit the spot.

You know, ever since that oni came along with a kappa, the waters of the Sanzu have gotten really wild. I mean, it's hard to peddle the boat across with that kind of rage. Both of them had brought along some diving equipment, intending to 'catch that big fish below' for… I don't know.

Can you give me your business card? I will let you know if both of them resurface from the Sanzu. It's been like… three days? I don't have much hope for them, but if you are one of their relatives or friends, I pray to you to start preparing for a funeral without a corpse.

**_Funeral to be held at:_**

_We aren't sure if anybody died this week, so we can't hold any._

* * *

**Weekly article brought to you by  
**Cirno (Editor)  
Rumia (On-site Reporter)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**A.N.: I barely managed to get this issue out on time. I keep thinking that it's getting less Cirno-worthy with each successful issue, but maybe it's just me. Working with only whatever I know of the Touhou universe is really hard, but at least I know where to begin.**

**Some notes worth mentioning:  
**

**United Gensokyo: 24 Oct is the date of the founding of the United Nations  
**

**Old Fairies Day date: EoSD was released on 11th Aug, marking the first appearance of the Greater Fairy  
**

**Chen's Missing Bicycle: Refer to the first issue's news report  
**


	5. 31st Day 10th Month Issue

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 31****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month**

_The Christmas of the 13__th__ Month was early in its rebirth.  
A day away is a day nearer to impending doom.  
The doom knight comes with the night  
and so shall the darkness it rides along with._

_Shame on you, Suwako._

* * *

**_Contents_**

**I. HEADLINES**

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI. OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**HAKUREI SHRINE THRASHED, RESIDENT MIKO FEARED KIDNAPPED  
**_by Cirno_

**S**creams of terror could be heard from as far as the Youkai Mountain as Kirisame Marisa, the Out-Of-Technicolor and Extra-Ordinary Thief of Gensokyo, frantically began her search for her best friend, the poverty-stricken miko of Hakurei Shrine, Hakurei Reimu.

Arriving at the scene, reporters discovered a gruesomely mutilated Hakurei-like doll tied to a large cross, which looked to be recently placed, in front of the thrashed shrine. The owner of the doll has been yet to be determined at time of print.

The shrine's empty donation box had been smashed to smithereens and left exactly where it had always been, the front doors seemingly blown off their hinges and windows broken and smashed. If the small building had any semblance of a shrine, it had been lost in the latest renovation attempt.

Bottles of sake littered the grass patch and the stone steps leading to the shrine, suggesting an alcoholic, although our intrepid reporter noted wet patches on the ground, indicating spilt alcohol. Sources confirmed that these sake were not of Gensokyo origin, and were probably imported by the Pillow-Talking-Drool-Dripping Princess of Boundaries, Yakumo Yukari. Being the underage miko, Hakurei probably hid these from public view, but the perpetrator had done a thorough job of exposing her shameless dirty little secret.

The interiors of the shrine was cluttered with broken furniture, or whatever that was actually present in the Hakurei Shrine, showing signs of a bitter struggle, although no blood was found on any of the broken effects. Kirisame had been spotted entering the miko's private room and told reporters that all her miko wear were missing from the cabinet. "This is an incident!" she was quoted shouting to the crowd which had gathered at the sound of her screamings. "Reimu has been kidnapped and possibly raped! They must have taken her clothes to make sure she stays naked! I must go rescue her now!"

The thief disappeared in a cloud of starry smoke.

**_(Interview with Alice Margatroid in a tent outside her roofless house)_**_  
__Margatroid_: If you are looking for Marisa, she's living in that house near the edge of the Forest of Magic.

_Rumia_: I figured you are a better source of information than anyone else. Besides, nobody knows where she is right now.

_Margatroid_: What is this all about? I believe I have told you who indeed was responsible for my current situation. (**A.N.: Refer to an earlier issue's News Report)**

_Rumia_: Reimu's missing, and Marisa's gone to search for her.

_Margatroid_: How does this concern me?

_Rumia_: Marisa seems really close to you, don't you feel a pang when she suddenly becomes… extremely worried over the miko?

_Margatroid_: Let me get this straight, me and that witch has got nothing in between us!

_Rumia_: Is that so? Rumor has it that she's secretly dating you behind Patchy's back.

_Margatroid_: What nonsense! I demand you leave immediately!

_Rumia_: Oh well, I guess I should write about your love story…

_Margatroid_: Hold… hold it right there!

_Rumia_: Hmm…?

_Margatroid_: You are just as horrible as that tengu news reporter!

_Rumia_: CNN Weekly only reports the truth.

_Margatroid_: There's really nothing between me and that witch. Even if there was-

_Rumia_: 'Even if there was'? That sounds like it has happened!

_Margatroid_: It's not-!

_Rumia_: Is that so? Hmm…

_Margatroid_: Just what do you want with me?

_Rumia_: Your thoughts on Reimu being possibly kidnapped.

_Margatroid_: She has even given Yukari a good beating, who would have been so daring, much less capable?

_Rumia_: The shrine had been thrashed! What other possibilities could there be?

_Margatroid_: Drunk?

_Rumia_: That's… a possibility. I have heard about Reimu secretly drinking inside her shrine when nobody's around.

_Margatroid_: 'When nobody's around'? Isn't that like… everyday?

_Rumia_: All the more she had no reason to thrash her own shrine only on this day!

_Margatroid_: Does she have any laundry hanging out to dry?

_Rumia_: I would think so, someone said something about her miko wear being left out in the sun in the back pond, and Marisa herself found no clothes in the cabinet.

_Margatroid_: Just what does Marisa need for miko wear?

_Rumia_: You mean she probably stole them?

_Margatroid_: I meant she probably wanted to, but failed since there are witnesses to her having her clothes out in the sun.

_Rumia_: Nobody leaves laundry out in the sun for long.

_Margatroid_: She probably forgot to keep them, being the lazy shrine maiden you two at CNN Weekly always reported.

_Rumia_: There's just one thing. There's a Reimu doll tied outside her shrine, totally banged up.

_Margatroid_: Yeah, I was told to hang that up for her two nights ago. Here's the proof. *produces a small piece of paper bill for a Reimu doll, signed with the Hakurei seal*

_Rumia_: *returns the receipt* Did she specify what this doll was for?

_Margatroid_: Nope, maybe she wants to host a Halloween party?

_Rumia_: That doesn't sound like Reimu, she's too poor!

_Margatroid_: Well, maybe she's probably gone out to do her last minute shopping for the Halloween party she planned to throw. A broken-down shrine was probably her idea. I wonder where she had gotten the money to do so from, though.

_Rumia_: If that's the case, why is Marisa out chasing for Reimu? Wouldn't she have been invited as one of her closest friends?

*After two minutes of silence, the interview ended*

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**DIRTY LITTLE SECRET ON THE LOOSE**

**T**he mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion has issued a high level warning to the whole of Gensokyo to be on the lookout for 'a sexually-appealing-yet-psychotically-unstable patient' on the 26th day of the month.

"She was last seen wearing my clothes!" Izayoi Sakuya, Chief Maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, told reporters. "And that lazy excuse for a gate guard didn't even notice her running out! I have no idea how she had managed to escape the library under (Patchouli)'s watch!"

The mistress' younger sister, Flandre Scarlet, shrugged when she was approached by our brave reporter in the basement. "I was here in my room all week, how would I know where that silly succubus, or rather, Patchy's Dirty Little Secret, has ran off to? On a second thought… do you want to play with me?"

**SAIGYOUJI DECLARES NETHERWORLD TO BE CLOSED FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH**

**S**aigyouji Yuyuko, Mistress of the Bird-eating Predator Association, has decided temporary close off access to the Netherworld, citing 'some business I have to attend to in Gensokyo'.

"The Lady, in her usual airheaded thinking, thought it would be fun to scare some kids during Halloween," the Avian Butcher of Hakugyokurou and Director of You-Moo-Kyuu! Dairy Farm, Konpaku Youmu, rolled her eyes as she spoke to reporters at the base of the stairs leading to the mansion. "Of course, she _has_ to drag me along with it, despite telling her numerous times that while we might be ghosts, we are still visible, and that none of her Kogasa-themed surprises are going to work on kids these days!"

Instructions have been sent to the Xanadu to temporary hold judged spirits headed for Hakugyokurou till the Netherworld reopens.

**MIKO TO UNDERGO SURGERY TO CORRECT LEFT HAND'S MISMATCHED FINGERS**

**T**oyosatomimi no Miko, the Fake Shrine Maiden and Yet Another Defeated Saint of Senkai, was recently warded at Eientei, claiming to want to undergo surgery.

"It's been bothering me for centuries," Miko told reporters from her bed. "I was born with some disorder that caused my left hand to actually function as a right hand. As you can see here, my little finger is currently where my thumb is supposed to be. I have tried to work my way around tools with this handicap, but it hasn't worked out well. It was thanks to this that caused my loss in a duel against that shrine maiden."

Miko was said to have read about the Lunarians' technology from CNN Weekly and had decided to try to correct her physical imperfection.

"This is no small surgery," Yagokoro Eirin, Lunarian Pharmacist at Eientei, was quoted telling reporters. "To correct bone and flesh is one, but to ensure her brain receives the change is another. But rest assured, Lunarian technology is very advanced, and we will always give our very best when dealing with patients."

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**DESPERATE FOR HELP!**

HELP!

I STILL CAN'T FIND THAT BICYCLE! RAN WILL KILL ME!

PLEASE HELP ME! I HAVE RAN AWAY FROM HOME!

IF YOU CAN FIND IT, PLEASE LEAVE IT AT THE PLAYGROUND IN THE HUMAN VILLAGE!

DO NOT TELL RAN THAT I'M CURRENTLY HIDING IN THE HUMAN VILLAGE.

_Contact Information:_

_Chen  
No other contact information has been given at time of print.  
_**(Cirno: Chen, either hand over your lunch money in school as payment for the ads, or these notices will not appear in the next issue.)**

**OARFISH OFFICIAL LOOKING FOR A JOB**

I was born as an oarfish, and even as the Eldest Daughter's personal tutor in Heaven, I believe it is my destiny… to officiate something.

Be it competitions, games, sports or the like, you can trust me to be the absolute witness of any penalty or cheating attempts! Check out my resume, I have caught Eldest Daughter cheating multiple times in her examinations!

_Contact information:_

_Nagae Iku  
Dragon Palace, Heaven_

_"Harmony is to be valued, but there is no official harmony until an oarfish officially declares so."_

**SCARLET DEVIL MANSION: CHRISTMAS IN THE 13****TH**** MONTH**

Once again, the mansion welcomes all to our annual Halloween Party!

Are you truly immune to fear? What was the last thing that had scared you out of your living moonlights? Are you ready to face the scariest night of your life? Here's your chance, join us at the Scarlet Devil Mansion on Halloween Night itself!

Main attractions include ghost stories, pumpkin carving, the usual stuff you have enjoyed year after year! And what's more, the finals of Gensokyo Got Talent is being held there too. Who will bring home the crown, the Prismriver Sisters or Nosebleed Productions' Scarlet _Familia_? Cheer for your favorite band in the full spirit of Halloween!

Entry fee: A bottle of blood  
Dress Code: Halloween themed. No garlic perfume allowed.

_Contact information_

_Izayoi Sakuya  
Chief Maid  
Scarlet Devil Mansion, Gensokyo_

_"To see the world in a grain of sand is like having time stop for you while you work beyond twenty-four hours."_

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**Last week's answer: 2000 yen rounded up.** Do your maths, you will NEVER reach 2000 without rounding up.

**SPEED CONTROL**

After getting sick of dealing with head-on collisions in the air, Yagokoro Eirin has approached the kappa engineer Kawashiro Nitori to design something to control the flying speeds of Gensokyo's population.

The kappa's witty creativity finally got her creating a speed-reading device, which would display the average flying speedof anybody who holds onto it (essentially a speedometer in modern context)

Yagokoro was impressed and distributed the devices to the fairies to start a beta test on speed control, setting the **limit of flying speed** at **X km/h**. In the event where two fairies collide head on and seek medical attention at Eientei, their devices would be checked to see if they have exceeded the speed limit. If found to have **exceeded the speed limit**, they would be charged **twice the consultation fee as usual**.

One day, three mischievous fairies flew at the same speeds from three different corners of the skies and collided into each other, ending up at Eientei for treatment. When Reisen Udonge 'Inaba', a medical assistant at Eientei, checked the fairies' speed trackers, they were found to have recorded an average speed of **X km/h** on their devices.

**Question: Should each fairy be charged the normal amount for consultation, or twice the amount?**  
(Hint: The idea is to figure out whether they are guilty of exceeding the speed limit or not)

* * *

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**31****st**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **HELL HAS RISEN ON GENSOKYO**  
Chance of rain:** STAY COVERED IN ICE, LEST YOU BURN!

**1****st**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point:** 4°C/-5°C  
**Chance of rain:** The wood fairies ushers in Frost! This day shall know no rain, but hail.

**2****nd**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **16°C/11°C  
**Chance of rain:** Sooooommmmeeeewheeeerrrreeee e~ over the rainboooooooowwwww~

**3****rd**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **15°C/11°C**  
Chance of rain:** Give me a home where the wind always blows…

**4****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **15C/12°C**  
Chance of rain:** I wonder if there are Solarians living in the sun, just like Lunarians on the Lunar Capital. Their lives must suck, seeing it would be summer all day and night long. Applies to Gensokyo on this day, too.

**5****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **15°C/11°C**  
Chance of rain: **You are asking if it would rain on this day? Yes, it will not rain.

**6****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **14°C/9°C**  
Chance of rain:** Have you tried Fujiwara's yakitori yet? SUPER HOT!

_Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."_

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

**Deceased: Koakuma  
Date of Death: 29****th**** Day of the 10****th**** Month  
Cause of Death: Lack of intimate pleasure movement from running away from home**

**Yama's Judgment**

You are a succubus. If I declare you 'black' and send you to Hell, I wouldn't be sure if you would actually suffer there, seeing you seem to come from one. If I declared you 'white' and send you to Heaven… I don't know if Tenshi would be one of your best friends around there, and you don't certainly deserve Heavenly warmth.

Then again, Yuyuko wouldn't mind extra company in the Netherworld, so off you go, to Haku… no wait, it's closed, right? Halloween silliness and stuff. Where else can I send you to? Hmm… And no, I don't want to be your best friend. Not now, not ever.

**Shikigami of Yama's comments**

This… this is one unique soul I have to ferry across today, and one PERFECT EXCUSE to ACTUALLY SLACK OFF FROM!

She's… extremely creepy! Her eyes, if these souls were supposed to even retain their bodily features, were staring at me with… lust? Like WHAT? No, I must be imagining things, but it seems that she's getting closer every time I turn my back on her. Is she lesbian, "bi" or simply… WEIRD?

The Yama will sure have a lot to say about this little sprite of love.

**_Funeral to be held at:_**

_Too bad, Koakuma, nobody knows you have died. Enjoy your days in the afterlife._

* * *

**Weekly article brought to you by  
**Cirno (Editor)  
Rumia (On-site Reporter)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**A.N.: Stuff worth mentioning:**

**Christmas of the 13****th**** Month: I don't remember where this phrase came from, but it sounds Halloween-ish. Correct me if I'm wrong.**

**Miko's surgery: A friend told me about an error in her design. Check it out.**

**Temperature of 1 Nov: What do you expect, it's Cirno who wrote that.**

**Headlines: This is a beta for... something. Just keep an eye on the Headlines for the next few issues.  
**

**Last minute withdrawal note: My apologies for even daring to upload something not fully done, won't happen again, but then again, for those who had already viewed my previous upload, you won't notice any major difference, I was simply finishing up the obituaries part, which isn't really 'that' much more...  
**


	6. 7th Day 11th Month Issue

**Angry Rant (edited in at last minute): I seriously don't know what's wrong with this site, whatever you guys read at launch timing wasn't what I had posted. Sure, this current ninja revision isn't much, but I was sure I had made some changes... oh well, sucks to be me. It was 3am when I finally uploaded that, and kinda forgot to take a look.**

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 7****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month**

_Winter Wonderland.  
Our gods frock among the snow  
While we slave away in the hail.  
The sun goes down and the stars glow bright  
But the cold wind always blows._

_Ice age has begun._

* * *

**_Contents_**

**I. HEADLINES**

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI. OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**YAKUMO ALSO DISCOVERED MISSING IN MAYOHIGA, DA ZE THIEF CONTINUES DESPERATE SEARCH  
**_by Cirno_

**A** week had passed, yet the Non-Directionally-Challenged and Strangely-Ordinary Thief, Kirisame Marisa, was still chasing leads after leads for the whereabouts of the missing orphan Hakurei Reimu. A new startling news came on the morning of the 1st day of the month, days after the mushroom freak departed for Mayohiga for more clues: Both Ran and Yakumo Yukari, the Loud-Snoring-Sagged-Chest-Sleepyhead-Pillow-Talking Princess of the Boundaries were missing from their homes.

There were 'no signs of struggle, and if there was, the whole mansion would be filled with open gaps'. "This is starting to look serious," Kirisame was quoted saying. "You don't snoop into them houses and find 'em missing just like that, ze. We are talking 'bout two of the strongest bitches in the whole of Gensokyo, ze!"

The only evidences that proved both Yakumo residents were inhabiting the mansion recently was the large pile of dirty dishes waiting to be done and an untidy colossal-sized bed filled with pillows, mostly sporting dark patches, believed to be drool. A clothes cabinet believed to belong to the mistress of the mansion was also found empty. "Yet another kidnap and rape case," Kirisame said.

Further investigations revealed that Chen, shikigami to the missing Ran, was also nowhere to be found. Kirisame had stated that the household would never be left empty, and that somebody would usually be at home, making it 'one of the hardest places to ever steal books from.' "You don't know when a gap would swallow and toss you into the burning pits of Hell," Kirisame said. When asked about a particularly large bulge in one of her skirt pockets, she had simply shrugged it off.

The next most powerful resident in the whole of Gensokyo, Saigyouji Yuyuko, Princess and Fowl Glutton of the Netherworld, noted that despite the coincidental disappearances, boundaries separating the different worlds 'remained intact and functioning while looking good enough to be eaten for breakfast.'

Speaking directly to reporters for the first time, Saigyouji invited both Kirisame and the media to a short interview just outside the Human Village, where she had claimed to have attended a Halloween Party held by the humans.

**_(Interview with Saigyouji and Kirisame. Conversation with other reporters, especially a certain tengu, was omitted from print.)_**

_Kirisame_: Yuyuko, I have this feeling you know what happened. Yukari's a close friend of yours after all.

_Saigyouji_: Did something happen? You look like you have aged over the past few months we didn't meet, you know?

_Rumia_: Yuyuko, she means-

_Konpaku_: You address my mistress with the proper salutation-

_Saigyouji_: Ignore her, Rumia. You can call me whatever you want, although I'm wondering where that delicious-looking bird friend of yours is hiding right this moment…

_Kirisame_: Concentrate on the issue, Yuyuko. Reimu's definitely kidnapped, both Ran and Yukari're missing, Chen's also missing at the moment. Da ze, this is getting bad! I bet something big is about to happen!

_Rumia_: Is that so? It has already happened!

_Kirisame_: Then why nobody knows what happened?!

_Saigyouji_: I know what happened! They probably ate something bad and headed off to Eientei to visit that eccentric Lunarian doctor!

_Kirisame_: Is there –ever- one time you speak of something without including food in it, ze?

_Saigyouji_: Mmm… you can't blame me, Youmu-moo didn't bring enough food to the-

_Rumia_: Is this discussion even going anywhere?

_Saigyouji_: You see, if Marisa's already searched every nook and cranny of Gensokyo, save the underskirt of the Yama, what could a ghost like me do?

_Kirisame_: So you're saying there's nothing I can do? Be serious here, Yuyuko! Reimu's kidnapped. KID. NAPPED.

_Saigyouji_: Exactly what I was thinking! There's this new sleep-in services for kids at the Village recently…

_Rumia_: Is that so?

_Kirisame_: Hey, old hag. Do you even know what 'kidnap' means?

_Saigyouji_: …

_Kirisame_: Oi! I'm talking to you, ze!

_Saigyouji_: Oh, you were? I thought you were referring to Youmu, she looks like one at the moment.

_Konpaku_: Who wouldn't feel old when you party your head off while I carry your stuff for more than twenty-four hours at a go?

_Kirisame_: Why am I even wasting time with you? *Sits on broom*

_Saigyouji_: *Pulls her off the broom, sending her tumbling to the ground* Here's a hint: Reimu's not in Hakugyoukurou. Not yet, at least, until I find her hardworking enough to drag her in.

_Kirisame_: Oww! That hurt! And if you dare do that, I will personally burn Hakugyokurou down with the power of love!

_Saigyouji_: See? You love me.

_Rumia_: I… didn't really catch that, Yuyuko.

_Saigyouji_: *sigh* Reimu's definitely still alive. She's done enough evil to be kicked from Heaven, yet enough good to escape Hell, so she would end up at my place if she's passed on.

_Kirisame_: And you took so long to tell me that, ze!

_Saigyouji_: And about my friend…

_Kirisame_: I don't care about that one! *speeds off on the broom*

_Saigyouji_: Can I have that book titled 'Reimu's Dairy' as a form of payment for my generous information?

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**CHEN STILL SUCKS, SAY STUDENTS**

**W**ith the release of the results of test papers being conducted in the Kamishirasawa School, it was clear that Chen was still the least intelligent in the history of the school. Scoring a Z on her report card once again, breaking a previous record set by a certain bird-brained underground raven of a Y, Chen 'still sucks as usual'.

"Look at her, so stupid!" a fairy told our reporter in school. "She's the polar opposite of her master, who is so good with mathematics, she could calculate the length of the Sanzu River without even thinking!"

"Even Cirno's smarter!" Wriggle Nightbug, another youkai student in the school, said.

"Cirno is still the best!" claimed a local boy of the Human Village.

"Chen's been unusually bad this term," Kamishirasawa Keine, the only teacher in the school, told our reporter. "Something must have happened at home, she's spacing out a lot in class. As her classmates, all of you should be helping her instead of making fun." (**A.N.: Keine's lecture about having them form study groups to help Chen improve was obviously omitted**)

Along the same lines, Cirno was the top perfoming student in class, while Mystia Lorelei, despite missing her test dates, was declared 'Best Improving Student'.

**HOUJUU DONS A HEADGEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME**

**H**oujuu Nue, a Major-Failure-In-Surprises-And-Headwear nue, was recently spotted wearing a metallic mask, much to the surprise of the general public.

Calling it a 'helm', she had told passer-bys that it would hide her true face in case her true form was revealed. "Nobody in this world has seen my true form!" she was quoted to be shouting at nobody in particular, drawing sympathetic stares and thoughts of her mental health. "This helm will block out my face! It doesn't matter if you have seen my body; you will never recognize the face!"

A human maid, who was present at the scene, told reporters she was clueless to whatever Houjuu was rambling about. "I'm here simply on my mistress' request to get some teacups," she told the media journalists. "However, if all of you feel that she is becoming a public nuisance, a visit to that shrine in the distance helps."

**YASAKA MESSES UP, CAUSING HEAVY FLOODS ALONG PATHS ON YOUKAI MOUNTAIN**

**F**or the first time ever, White Wolf Tengu Guard Captain Inubashiri Momiji closed off roads along the Youkai Mountain after torrents of continuous rain pelted down, causing floods and widespread damage to properties and erected fences.

It was believed that the Moriya Shrine's faithful were praying for a clear weather for their crops to grow, but patron god Yasaka Kanako had evidently messed up, sending the winds to blow in the wrong direction, welcoming heavy dark clouds that threatened to turn Youkai Mountain into an island.

Properties damaged include the guards' tents, Moriya Shrine itself, roads, kappas' lounges and a crow tengu's nest. The only casualty reported at time of print was Moriya Suwako, useless earth goddess of her own shrine, who was said to have been 'washed out of the shrine while asleep'.

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**MISSING: HAKUREI REIMU**

Age: Underaged  
Chest: Hardly visible  
Hips: Probably not visible, she eats too little  
Waist: Even a skirt slips off easily  
Description: Everybody knows Reimu, ze.

Find her, beat up those who kidnapped her and you will be rewarded!

P.S.: If you do find Yukari along with her, just pretend you didn't see her, ze.

_Kirisame Marisa  
Anywhere, Gensokyo_

_"You got a problem with me, ze? I'm Reimu the Hakurei miko, so take your troubles there!"_

**NITORI'S TINKERINGS**

Hi there! My fellow kappa friend, Kawashiro Nitori, has begun offering her inventions to the rest of Gensokyo for cheap prices!

Technological marvels ranging from pressure-induced water taps to battle accessories such as landmines are available! Whatever you desire, be it for home, work or even your danmaku battles, Nitori will make it! She's awesomely shy, so you gotta go through me for her services!

Here are some personal reviews submitted by her satisfied customers:

"The silencer upgrade to my bullets are really good! Now nobody can hear the echoes ricochet my bullets back at them from behind!" **anonymous Yamabiko**

"Firewood is scarce as the cold weather draws near. I'm glad to have this 'radator' (Radiator) that generates heat upon firing some danmaku into the 'Power-in' slot." **Miss Kochiya**

"I haven't seen any of those pesky little fairies stealing from my farm after I had Nitori laid down a couple of clay and mores. I don't know what that actually is, or how that works, but it does say to 'aim front towards enemy'." **Mr Kaede**

"This thing shoots lightning when I squeeze the trigger! I tried it on Elly, and she collapsed to the ground immediately! I guess it could be useful to score a knockout on Wriggle easily." **Miss Kazami**

Not convinced? Drop by Nitori's Tinkerings and see it for yourself today!

Drop me a tip when the work's done, yeah?

_Contact information:_

_Nakamura Gishi  
Youkai Mountain, Gensokyo_

_"Psst… if you can recommend a good husband for Nitori, I will be so happy for her!"_

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**Last week's answer: Double the normal fees.** The fairies could have already exceeded this amount. The speed shown on the speedometers are **averages**, not real-time speed readings. Doing your maths, you will realize that you need numbers both smaller AND larger than X to be able to get an average of X. This is also why Eirin liked the idea; most unsuspecting victims of accidents will have ended up paying twice the fees, ensuring good money.

**CROW TENGU SHOOTING**

After receiving complains of too many crow tengus making a din every evening on the Youkai Mountain, a crow tengu exterminator was hired by an anonymous but strong fairy to deal with them.

He arrived one evening with a bow and a quiver of six arrows, but to his horror, he found almost a hundred crow tengus gathered near a clearing. Nocking his arrow onto the bow, he loosed it at the nearest crow tengu with a strange device known as a camera.

That night, after a successful job, the exterminator showed at the fairy's doorstep and demanded payment for the job, bragging that he had killed a hundred crow tengus with just six arrows.

**Question**: Why did the anonymous fairy not pay the exterminator?

* * *

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**7****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **16°C/10°C**  
Chance of rain:** Chen said that she overheard Yukari pillow-taking about a convenience store in the Outer World, named after today's date. Apparently it sells umbrellas at ridiculous prices, and Yukari's umbrella was actually purchased from there, thinking higher prices = higher quality.

**8****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point:** 14°C/9°C  
**Chance of rain:** No more school! The sun is shining brightly, let's go to that playground!

**9****h**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **14°C/8°C  
**Chance of rain:** Cloudy, with a chance of fried tofu.

**10****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **15°C/11°C**  
Chance of rain:** Suwako has been washed out of her shrine, so it should be a fine day.

**11****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **15C/10°C**  
Chance of rain:** Chen also said the humans in the Outer World called this day 'sun day'. Why is it so when it always rain on the weekend?

**12****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **15°C/11°C**  
Chance of rain: **Rumia says it would be too dark to see on this day, so you can only tell it's raining if you feel it.

**13****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **14°C/9°C**  
Chance of rain:** Strange, it is autumn and you would be wondering what the Aki sisters are up to. Like, making sure it doesn't rain?

_Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."_

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

**Deceased: Habachi  
Date of Death: 6****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Cause of Death: Cryo-frozen to death**

**Yama's Judgment**

White. Tenshi should welcome you warmly. You didn't seem to have committed any sins, the only violence ever recorded was in self-defence against an ice fairy you had unwittingly disturbed at the Misty Lake.

**Shikigami of Yama's comments**

Whoa… WHOA! KEEP YOUR BURNING BODY OFF MY BOAT, YO?

Seriously, I've been getting really weird souls to pick up recently. Apparently this one is a bee youkai, burning one at that! Like one moment, I just thought of it as another of Wriggle's fallen comrades, the next moment I had to douse my boat with some of the Sanzu River!

I can't complain about the money though, this one's rich; nobody ever gets to enjoy such rare honey anymore. There's this otherworldly sweetness in it… I can't quite describe it. It seems to have some nutritious value in it too, seeing I felt invigorated after taking a small sample of taste from the bottle, and my back problems from rowing the boat instantly recovered.

It's a wonder how these fire bees actually make such good stuff, but… let's just say, I sold the honey to Nitori in exchange for another boat after I had to swim back from the other side of the River.

**_Funeral to be held at:_**

_You don't need a funeral for a bee youkai. If it's really a youkai, why did it die?_

* * *

**Weekly article brought to you by  
**Cirno (Editor)  
Rumia (On-site Reporter)  
Chen (Delivery Nekomata)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**A.N.: Stuff worth mentioning:**

**Headlines: Yes, it's a continuation from the previous issue. Keep an eye on that.**

**Nitori's Tinkerings: Mr Kaede is referring to an explosive device known as Claymore in our world, while Yuuka was referring to a Taser. God knows how Nitori made those…**

**Obituaries: I wanted to write about something different from the cast we know of for once, and the first idea that came into my mind was a bee youkai. A 'fire bee', as it was said to be directly translated, seemed to fit well, and I gave it an innocent personality.**

**Chen being missing in the Headlines and appearing in the credits section: Nobody knew that Chen was safe in the company of Team Nine. Since Chen owes Cirno money for the earlier ads, she has to work for them to pay the debts back. Apologies to all Chen fans for that news report, but Cirno being Cirno…**


	7. 14th Day 11th Month Issue

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 14****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month**

_The Great Red White shall freeze.  
The Grand Snooze shall know no sleep.  
The Monochromic Enchantress shall find no answer.  
The Strongest Blue White shall conquer Gensokyo._

_Ice Age has begun._

* * *

**_Contents_**

**I. HEADLINES**

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI. OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**HAKUREI REIMU'S GHOST SPOTTED IN HUMAN VILLAGE  
**_by Cirno_

**R**esidents in the Human Village began taking measures to secure their homes with amulets as rumors of a ghost on a bicycle spread through the village faster than a crow tengu with wings.

The ghost, believed to be a returning spirit of the missing underaged and probably-raped Hakurei Reimu, was last seen wearing the Hakurei miko's clothing, except everything was in different shades of white, complete with detachable sleeves, ribbons and white neckerchief. "It was as if Reimu had dyed her clothing white for a change!" a woman told our reporter. "Did she lose sanity from being raped, as Marisa had guessed?"

The bicycle the ghost was riding on fit the description of a nekomata's lost ride, reported to CNN Weekly weeks ago. Some villagers had claimed that they could hear horns blaring in the middle of the night as the ghost wheezed past their homes on the bicycle. One even noted the pedals of the bicycle were driven with _no_ visible legs. It was as if Hakurei's ghost had no lower limbs.

Witnesses had reported that Hakurei had stared directly at them with bloodshot eyes while smiling eerily. "Reimu's haunting us!" the village elder said. "What have we done wrong?"

"Are you sure Reimu's dead?" Fujiwara no Mokou, yakitori stand owner, asked. "Wasn't there an interview with Yuyuko earlier about this issue?" When suggested to about her death happening right after the interview, Fujiwara simply handed out incense papers with ghost insignias painted on it to the other villagers, herself starting a fire on the roadside and tossing the incense papers into it. "This should draw the attention of the ghost princess. Maybe she would send Youmu to reclaim this lost soul."

As villagers became hopeful in chasing out the ghost, Hakurei rode past the small gathering from behind, scattering frightened villagers and even our brave reporter with a loud burst from the horn. The ghost barely got away in time as Fujiwara tossed a fireball in its direction.

Some villagers had began suspecting the ghost had came from the graveyard in the nearby Myouren Temple, where an incident dealing with spirits had took place recently. However, Hijiri Byakuren herself had appeared to inform them of their incorrect suspicions. "Myouren Temple certainly has got nothing to do with that ghost," the monk had said. "Not with Mamizou around, Miko isn't going to do something _that_ stupid again."

**_(Interview with Fujiwara no Mokou, an hour after she had ensured the ghost had left the village)_**

_Fujiwara_: If this is about the assault on Mystia, I didn't do it.

_Rumia_: Is that so? But I didn't come for that, although I do suspect you.

_Fujiwara_: Then how can you assure what I'm going to tell you be the absolute truth? How can it be credible to your readers?

_Rumia_: You've got a point there.

_Fujiwara_: Well, what is it? I also hope this isn't about bribing me to sign Chen's 'fantastic' report card on behalf of that kitsune.

_Rumia_: Er? No, no that.

_Fujiwara_: Or to get Keine to not rusticate Chen because of her grades?

_Rumia_: No! Chen's still allowed to school in with us! In fact, she is the top student! What are you saying?

_Fujiwara_: Free you from Cirno's slavery at CNN?

_Rumia_: NO! Wait, let me-

_Fujiwara_: Ahh! *_produces a raw yakitori out of her baggy pants_* Hungry?

_Rumia_: I'm not paying for that. Now, let me ask-

_Fujirwara_: Wait, I got it. Rumia's ghost?

_Rumia_: EXCUSE ME? I'M RIGHT HERE. DO. I. LOOK. LIKE. A. GHOST?

_Fujiwara_: My bad, pronunciation troubles. I meant 'Reimu'.

_Rumia_: *sigh* Yes. Just… stop your guessing and let me speak for once?

_Fujiwara_: I'm all ears.

_Rumia_: You are supposed to tell me about that ghost! That's what this interview is all about, bird brain!

_Fujiwara_: I'm now being compared to that Y-grader of the Underground?

_Rumia_: Phoenixes and ravens are one and the same.

_Fujiwara_: I'm a human, you know?

_Rumia_: Is that so?

_Fujiwara_: YES.

_Rumia_: Okay. So what do you know about…

_Fujiwara_: Yakitori? Sure, although it's a family secret. You see-

_Rumia_: Bye.

_Fujiwara_: Have a safe night.

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**BHAVA AGRA RANSACKED, HINANAWI CLAN REPORTED MINIMAL LOSS**

**A** mushroom patch grown in the back Celestial Gardens of the Hinanawi residence was stripped of the fruits of labor of one Hinanawi Tenshi early yesterday morning.

"Like, I took three years to grow some of those!" Hinanawi bawled to reporters, obscene language and expletives being accompanied with frequent showers of her heavenly saliva. "It was for some stupid project that oarfish somehow got me to do! Now what am I gonna show her?" When asked who she thought the culprit would be, the celestial being flared and peppered reporters with an even heavier shower of saliva-splattering vulgarities. "WHO ELSE COULD IT BE?"

When reporters headed over to the next cloud residence, currently owned by one Ibuki Suika, all she told reporters was that Hinanawi 'probably had more alcohol than her system could handle'.

"It isn't everyday you get free alcohol from an oni, and an oni never lies," Ibuki calmly told reporters. As reporters agreed with her answer, Ibuki continued. "Although, I did hear Marisa was running short on supplies while on the road for such an extended amount of time. I merely told her about some good-looking mushrooms in my neighbor's garden, though."

**HAKUGYOKUROU'S GARDENS ALSO STRIPPED OF MUSHROOMS**

**W**ithin two hours of the last report, Konpaku Youmu, Overworked And Underpaid Gardener of Hakugyokurou, also reported missing patches of mushrooms from her garden.

"It is obvious somebody is stealing the mushrooms _right under my nose_," Konpaku told reporters with a sigh. "The gall of this thief to steal while I was out on my rounds around the mansion! Has this thief ever wondered how much effort was being put into ensuring a good harvest? Mushrooms don't grow as easily as they do in the Forest of Magic, where the conditions are perfect. Here, I have to control the growth like a dictator would. The Netherworld is just too different."

Our reporter offered a suggestion as to who the culprit was, but Konpaku simply waved it away. "Forget it, there is no use guessing. There's nothing I can do about her, she's just going to do the same with the rest of my vegetable garden when I'm asleep. There's no stopping Lady Yuyuko once she's awake and on the prowl for anything that looks edible. I suggest you keep that bird friend of yours hidden while she's hungry."

**KAWASHIRO REVEALS CUTTING EDGE WEAPON**

**B**eing bored and tired of seeing the same system of danmaku daily, Kawashiro Nitori, Kappa Engineer of Youkai Mountain, created Gensokyo's first automated shikigami, the Nitori-1 'Kappine'.

"The N-1 Kappine is designed solely as a supplementary weapon during a spellcard duel," Kawashiro explained in an one-to-one interview with our on-site reporter. "Most people make use of living shikigami, such as Ran, while others, such as Marisa, make use of manually-controlled shikigami like the hakkero. The one unique design about the N-1 Kappine comes from the fact it generates additional bullets without the user having to control it. Of course, direction and angle needs to be set beforehand, but I'm working on it."

The N-1 'Kappine' is available to the general public, prices are still being determined. The N-1 'Kappine' is said to conform along with Hakurei's Spellcard Duel Rules and Regulations.

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**MUSHROOMS GALORE!**

Mushrooms in your farms getting stolen? Ghosts plundering your harvest of mushrooms? Fear not!

At Mushrooms Galore, we are always stocked plentifully with mushrooms of all kinds! Your standard Shiitake, Maitake, even some rarer mushrooms not usually found in your local markets! We deal with mushrooms of all kinds for all, so whether you are a mushroom enthusiast or simply a household staff looking for mushrooms as a side dish, Mushroom Galore is your one-stop for all mushroom problems!

_Mushrooms Galore  
Edge of the Bamboo of the Lost_

_"Some people have been said to grow larger when eating mushrooms. Others could throw fireballs after eating a second. What about you?"_

**BICYCLE STILL MISSING**

I AM STILL LOOKING FOR IT!

WHOEVER WHO STOLE RAN'S BICYCLE, YOU WILL PAY DEARLY FOR IT!

RETURN IT TO ME **NOW**!

_Contact information:_

_Chen  
Delivery Nekomata  
CNN Weekly_

_"Ran said Yukari sags, and if I don't want that to happen to me, I should start being friends with Sakuya."_

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**Last week's answer: Because when he actually managed to kill one, ninety-nine other crow tengus would jump on him.**

**A RACE MYSTERY**

Why does the hairdresser always win a race?

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**14****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **15°C/8°C**  
Chance of rain:** Mushroomsmushroomsmushroomsm ushroomsmushroomswillnotrain mushroomsmushroomsmushrooms

**15****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point:** 14°C/10°C  
**Chance of rain: **For the record, the weather would be calm and sunny, but the air is filled with tension and dread.

**16****h**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **14°C/8°C  
**Chance of rain:** Cloudy, with a chance of fried tofu. Again. No wait, no more fried tofu, maybe some mushrooms?

**17****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **15°C/9°C**  
Chance of rain:** Precipitate as weather, she appeared from somewhere, only to get washed away in the flood. Shame on you, Suwako.

**18****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **15C/11°C**  
Chance of rain:** When the sun goes down, the rain will follow suit. When the sun comes up, so will the rain.

**19****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **14°C/9°C**  
Chance of rain: **Let's hope Kanako doesn't favor Kogasa.

**20****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **14°C/9°C**  
Chance of rain:** If you forgot to bring an umbrella, those tasty mushrooms out there work well. After all, they are called 'mush-rooms' for a reason.

_Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."_

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

**Deceased: Koakuma (again?)  
Date of Death: 13****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Cause of Death: Overdose of pleasure movement**

**Yama's Judgment**

Just get out of my sight and return home.

**Shikigami of Yama's comments**

Usually, if you are sent back from the Netherworld, Shiki'll probably toss you into Hell, but this love-song baby here doesn't deserve the Hell she came from anyway.

From what I have heard, both Yuyuko and she had pretty much fun every night, doing the same old thing over and over again. Like… why would Yuyuko favor such entertainment over food? I was curious about this, so I spoke to this love sprite's soul directly, and was told that Yuyuko was pretty good in word puzzles.

Confused yet? Yes, that's what both of them have been doing. The penalty for losing? Pleasure movements… on the neck, courtesy of living in a vampire's mansion for centuries. I mean, you do know how vampires make love, don't you? They do it with their teeth and necks!

Odd, if you are to ask me. I will remember to wear a thicker collar if I ever meet anyone from that damned mansion again.

**_Funeral to be held at:_**

_Oh dear… you don't need anymore ceremonies for her.  
-Saigyouji Yuyuko_

* * *

**Weekly article brought to you by  
**Cirno (Editor)  
Rumia (On-site Reporter)  
Chen (Delivery Nekomata)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**A.N.: Apologies for lackluster quality in this issue, go ahead and flame me lol. Work has killed me over this week, probably will do so in the next few as well. I'm running a high fever as I try to get this done, but meeting my own deadlines to get this out to you guys is my top priority. I'm totally dedicated into making this my first successful project.**

**Stuff worth mentioning:**

**Headlines: This was my biggest headache for this issue. I was caught between this and another version that I had initially written, and decided this was a better choice. The other version had an interview with Youmu instead and her ghostbuster skills, but I might save that for later.**

**Chen's ad: Let's just say, Chen isn't the type to read on current affairs, and has immersed herself totally into working off her debt to Cirno and trying to find the bicycle. After finding out Ran had also disappeared, she has totally believed she was abandoned by her master for being useless, hence being resolved to find the bicycle.**

**Nitori-One 'Kappine': Basically a spoof of the military-grade M1 Carbine, but of course Nitori couldn't make anything close to that… not yet, anyway.**


	8. 21st Day 11th Month Issue

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 21****st**** Day of the 11****th**** Month**

_An ice cube a day  
Keeps Eirin away.  
Three,  
if you knew to aim well._

_Ice Age has begun._

* * *

**_Contents_**

**I. HEADLINES**

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI. OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**KIRISAME CONFRONTS HAKUREI AT HER OWN SHRINE  
**_by Cirno_

**D**ays after reading our weekly report's headlines, Disturbingly-Directionally-Challenged and Lack-of-Colors magician Kirisame Marisa had 'broomed' her way back to the Human Village, only to encounter Hakurei's ghost along the way at the thrashed then-shrine.

What was supposed to be a joyous reunion of a long lost lesbian relationship had turned into a heated argument even the flames of Former Hell couldn't create as Kirisame realized the ghost 'had gone insane, even a radioactive mushroom wouldn't save her'.

"It was as if she had lost her sanity, ze!" Kirisame told reporters at the scene while brandishing her broom in the direction of the ghost, which had been said to be destroying something in the Hakurei Shrine. "And I said to stop right there, Reimu!"

As if on cue, the ghostly home-makeover ceased immediately, and Hakurei's ghost slowly exited the shrine, dragging a struggling nekomata behind it. It was said that Chen, who was that very nekomata, had recognized the bicycle which the ghost had been using to be her missing ride and so demanded it back. Hakurei had simply ignored the two-tailed kitty and tossed her onto the destroyed shrine's courtyard.

"The time has come!" Hakurei moaned to the crowd, causing three instant faints in the crowd. Several more followed shortly. Murmurings among the crowd also revealed that Konpaku Youmu, who was supposedly sent by one Saigyouji Yuyuko to retrieve the lost soul, was caught up in her milk farm business and that her arrival would be delayed.

Hakurei began accusing Gensokyo's populace for her own pitiless death, claiming she had lost her life while resolving another incident caused by 'idiots wanting to prove that they are a stronger species than the others'. "Humans and youkai must unite!" Hakurei was quoted saying. The ghost insisted that the end was nigh, and spouted nonsense about humans needing to cooperate with the youkai 'to build the ZUNoah's Ark to escape the great calamity'. "Think about those who cannot fly!" the ghost had said.

However, Black White slammed the proposal, claiming Hakurei 'has indeed lost her mind to rape and is now not thinking right'. "YOU are the forerunner of youkai extermination!" Kirisame shouted across the courtyard. "Don't you dare forget your purpose as the miko of Hakurei Shrine, Reimu, dead or alive!" At this statement, the thieving witch received both applauses and jeers from the crowd.

Hakurei had countered the claim, declaring that 'anybody who defy this new ruling shall be sealed away, **human or youkai alike**', causing gasps to echo from the crowd.

At that point, Kirisame declared war on the Hakurei miko's ghost, vowing to resist the miko's new ruling. "You can bind me, confine me, but I shall ever defy your reign, Reimu!"

**Editor's note: Dear readers, it's time to make YOUR stand. Who would you support?**

**Kirisame Marisa  
Mission: Prevent unification of species  
Belief: Boundaries between each specie will break down should unification happen**

**Hakurei Reimu's ghost  
Mission: Unite Gensokyo to prevent anymore troubles  
Belief: Unification is needed to save Gensokyo from its impending doom on the 20****th**** day of the 12****th**** month**

**The choice is yours. Choose wisely.**

**_(Interview with Kirisame Marisa)_**_  
Rumia_: Marisa!

_Kirisame_: So, you have heard what both of us had to say to each other. Is there anything you missed out?

_Rumia_: Is Reimu really going to seal you away?

_Kirisame_: I wonder if she still is a shrine maiden, even in afterlife, ze! I have never heard of sealing humans, only youkai!

_Rumia_: Have you found any supporters yet?

_Kirisame_: So far only Cirno has done so, claiming her strength would be needed to defeat Reimu. I wanted to test her egoistical boast, but she fell back into unconsciousness again. I'm really concerned as to why Cirno, of all people, would faint at the voice of a ghost's moaning. Come on, don't we deal with people both dead or alive, in Gensokyo, ze?

_Rumia_: Is that so?

_Chen_: *_interrupts the interview* _Rumia! Please help me get my bicycle back from Reimu! She's a big bad bully!

_Rumia_: Chen, I'm interviewing… *_sigh_*

_Kirisame_: As expected from our youkai bully red-white-now-only-known-to-be-white. But I know I can defeat her.

_Rumia_: How?

_Kirisame_: I've been working on my spellcards, ze!

_Rumia_: Marisa, as much as how the Spellcard rules were implemented, I don't think Reimu's going to settle this through a children's card game.

_Chen_: Don't ignore me, Rumia! You gotta help me! Cirno said-

_Rumia_: CHEN! RAN DID NOT ABANDON YOU OVER TWO WHEELS!

_Chen_: But Cirno said-

_Kirisame_: Tell you what, ze. How about you help me with this, kitty? We beat Reimu, you get that bicycle of yours back.

_Chen_: Deal!

_Rumia_: You sure are crafty.

_Kirisame_: There's nothing a love spark would fail to convince, little girl, ze.

_Rumia_: Is that so? But during history class, Keine spoke at lengths about your defeats to Rei-

_Kirisame_: Reisen? You kidding me, ze? I beat that bunny and forced her into my cooking pot for rabbit stew! Anyway, there's no time to waste with you, ze. I'm off with Chen and Cirno on my adventure to find more allies for my cause!

_Rumia_: I hope that doesn't mean I'm doing all the work in CNN myself…

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**SCARLET DEVIL MANSION TO SUPPORT GHOST MIKO**

**A**s expected from the Scarlets, the household across Misty Lake has decided to stay on the good graces of the Hakurei miko.

"The mistress cannot afford to be sealed away," Izayoi Sakuya, Chief Slave at the mansion, told reporters. "A powerful presence on this side of Gensokyo will be removed if that ever happens." When asked about the said mistress's abilities, the slave simply shrugged and directed the media to the mansion's bookworm, Patchouli Knowledge.

"If there's ever a time to get Marisa to return me my books, this is a good opportunity," the pyjamas freak told CNN Weekly. "And I heard Cirno was also on Marisa's side? Good thing too, because Koakuma has never left the mansion, unlike what you have been reporting about us."

**NETHERWORLD, FORMER HELL, XANADU REMAIN NEUTRAL**

**T**hree of Gensokyo's best destinations for afterlife have declared themselves to be 'out of any arugments that you idiots cause'.

"Satori warned us not to start placing bets on who would win the battle!" Reiuji Usutho, a brainless bird of the underworld, told CNN Weekly. "Satori's awesome, you know? She could read our minds even before we told her anything!"

"The Lady's too busy eating to comment," Konpaku Youmu, the Ghostbuster-Who-Forgot-To-Reclaim-A-Lost-Ghost of Hakugyokurou told reporters at the base of the stairs. "But let me say something in her steed: we won't be supporting either side. One of them will end up here anyway, and if it turns out to be someone we didn't vouch for, it could be disastrous."

"I have souls to judge, not pathetic sinners who declare wars out of the blue," the Yama of Xanadu told our intrepid reporter who had braved storms and winds across the Sanzu Lake. "Unless you want to end up with 'Black', please leave."

**MORIYA SHRINE SPLIT ON SUPPORT**

**S**hrine doors were closed as the Moriya Crew debated furiously on whom they would be supporting in the upcoming war. While Yasaka Kanako, Error-Filled Wind Goddess, and Sanae Kochiya, Accomplice-Of-Turning-Youkai-Mountain-Into-An-Island Wind Priestess of the shrine, vouched for Team Marisa, the hopeless unnamed earth goddess refused to cooperate.

"Not when Cirno is on Marisa's side!" the unnamed goddess told reporters. "This is a good opportunity to get back at her for the frogs!" When told that the war wasn't about frozen frogs, she simply slammed the door on the media and refused to speak further.

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**ONI BETTING**

INCIDENTS! EVERYONE LOVES INCIDENTS, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT INVOLVES TWO OF GENSOKYO'S HOTTEST CHICKS IN A CATFIGHT TO THE DEATH!

If you have been waiting for this moment, it now has arrived! Down on luck in the casino over at Eientei recently? Recoup your losses with us!

Simply place your bets on who you think would win the war, and win **DOUBLE** the amount you betted! In the interest of fairness, each person may only lay a bet on one side of the war, so test your luck today. Oni never lies, your winnings are assured if you do win!

_Hoshiguma Yuugi/Ibuki Suika  
Oni Betting Ltd  
Ancient City, Gensokyo_

_"We also accept bets for the Test of Strength competition! Odds are 2:1 for Hoshiguma and 9999:1 for Ibuki."_

**CNN WEEKLY IS HIRING**

With the coming of the war, CNN Weekly's staff roll has been diminished, as two of our finest staff have left their offices for the battlefield. CNN Weekly hereby wishes them well and hope they return in one piece.

If you have been wanting to join the journo world, we are now hiring!

Positions open include:  
**Delivery Staff  
Assistant On-site Reporter**

If you believe you have what it takes to compete with Bunbunmaru, drop by our headquarters today!

_Contact information:_

_Rumia  
Acting Editor  
CNN Weekly HQ, Cirno Avenue, Gensokyo_

_"When Cirno is around, believe nothing but the advertisements and interviews, because everything risks a touch of Cirno-ism."_

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**Last week's answer: Because she always know of a short cut.**

**The Wheel of Fortune**

A new English-based word game has started in Gensokyo, and participants had to solve word puzzles to win 'Big Money'. How 'big' can money be is still a mystery, but nevertheless, one participant had the 'Biggest Money' after three rounds and so entered the bonus round.

Category: The Master Genius and Strongest Ice Fairy of Gensokyo

Word: _ _ RN_

Letters that would appear automatically: E

The participant called for the following letters, which had to be three consonants and a vowel: W K C O

The word, after the letters were called out, became: C_RNO

The participant, who happened to be a crow tengu with a camera, was unable to answer the question. Can you help her in time?

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**21****st**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **14°C/8°C**  
Chance of rain:** The Mercury is dropping!

**22****nd**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point:** 12°C/7°C  
**Chance of rain: **On this day, seven years ago, a strong wind blew the skirt of an oni up, revealing something that would make a rain god accidentally activate his rain spellcard.

**23****rd**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **13°C/7°C  
**Chance of rain:** Suwako hasn't given us a weather update for this day at time of print.

**24****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **13°C/8°C**  
Chance of rain:** The rain god does not water his crops of clouds with a watering can; he does it with a bucket.

**25****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **14C/10°C**  
Chance of rain:** If Marisa wins the battles, this day would be snowing with stars instead of raining.

**26****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **14°C/9°C**  
Chance of rain: **One wonders why only four people in Gensokyo carry parasols.

**27****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **12°C/7°C**  
Chance of rain:** Before Chen left, she said that this day was Yukari's birthday, but nobody knows if it's true or not, since Yukari never told anyone her 'most precious thing'.

_Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."_

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

**Deceased: Usagi  
Date of Death: 19****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Cause of Death: Overdose of Love**

**Yama's Judgment**

White. Tenshi will make a good pet out of you, little bunny. Enough slavery at Eientei, your sins of the previous life have been paid for.

**Shikigami of Yama's comments**

IT'S A CUTE LITTLE BUNNY FROM EIENTEI! I WANT TO KEEP IT FOR A PET!

But no, says the Yama, you must not slack off with a bunny!

In response, I would have tossed the bunny over the boat, but seeing that it's so cute, I ferried it across the lake despite Usagi not having enough money to pay for the trip. Usagi looked innocent even as a spirit, and the rabbit would just snuggle in one corner of my boat and sleep the day away.

Oh? You were looking for Reimu? I'm not sure if I had ferried her across, because I took a pretty long nap earlier. You might wanna head across and ask the Yama instead.

**_Funeral to be held at:_**

_There was no earthly remains left of the rabbit after a non-danmaku Master Spark obliterated it to hold a funeral._

* * *

**Weekly article brought to you by**  
Rumia (Acting Editor, On-site Reporter, Delivery)  
Cirno (Editor, left after writing the Headlines)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**Stuff worth mentioning:**

**Headlines: They said a war was never possible in Gensokyo, but here is one.**

**Oni Betting: Eientei as a casino is not my original idea. There's a fic around here known as "Houraisen Love Love Bunny Casino" by LelUCares. It's a good read with lots of humor, and I want to show my appreciation to the writer and hope he continues with the story by mentioning it here. In my universe, the casino is a one-off thing that happens out of view.**

**Rumia taking over CNN Weekly: From the next issue onwards till Cirno returns, everything would be written by Rumia. If there are any fans out there that would like to see stories ****_about_**** Cirno, this is where and when it would happen.**

**Opening verse at the top: The actual one was supposed to be "An apple a day, keeps the doctor away. Three, if you knew to aim."**

**And up to this point, I, Another Man, would like to sincerely thank all readers for your continued support on my project. Here's a cookie for all.**


	9. 28th Day 11th Month Issue

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 28****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month**

_Dark as the night  
Has Gensokyo's days fallen into  
Black as the night  
Has Gensokyo's populace turned into_

_Harken the voice of Doom._

* * *

**_Contents_**

**I. HEADLINES**

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI. OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**HAKUREI GATHERS MAJORITY OF SUPPORT, KIRISAME STILL STUCK WITHOUT NEW SUPPORTERS  
**_by Rumia_

**U**pon reading about the brewing war, Gensokyo has phased into a new era of unrest as its inhabitants wondered about their uncertain future: a policed state under Hakurei Reimu's new ruling or back to business under Kirisame Marisa's ideologies.

Most humans are wary of having to live in coexistence with youkai and vice versa. "It is as if the history of Gensokyo is going on another course this time," Kamishirasawa Keine, a widely-respected teacher at the Human Village, spoke to CNN Weekly at her school. "I'm not too sure if everybody would like the outcome of the war, but we face an uncertain future. I hope we do not need to alter the course of history, seeing that the full moon has just passed. And oh, I do hope my students come back to school once it's over, too. It would be hard to explain to students about the nasty effects of violence."

Some are simply worried about their social standings in Gensokyo itself, that under 'a different ruling might lose me my respect here.' "If I let that witch win, not only will she declare my mansion as her property, she would probably carry out her mushroom experiments here and likely blow my home up!" Remilia Scarlet, the mistress of her own house mansion and lead singer for _Scarlet Familia_, said. "I already have enough with intruders in both my hallways and the library, it would be terrible if Marisa moves in!"

"That witch has actually poisoned my sunflowers on more than one occasion with overdoses of radioactive muck and love-contaminated mushroom spores," Kazami Yuuka told CNN Weekly in a letter addressed to us. "I'm sure she would understand why I would be supporting Reimu this time, despite both of them being humans, even if one of them is a ghost now."

"Well, I don't care!" Hinanawi Tenshi, a celestial of the Heavens, said in a door-to-door interview. "Give me back those mushrooms I've grown and I might change my mind!"

Hakurei's threat of sealing dissidents away has left many fearing a terrible end should they support Kirisame instead. "I want to be able to continue with what I do best!" a karakasa, who declined to be named, told CNN Weekly, spinning her tongue-sticking umbrella for no apparent reasons. "Surprising people!"

"There has been more than one occasion where that miko came boring down on me," Medicine Melancholy, a rogue and poisonous doll, said. "As much as I would like to take over the world myself, I have to play coy along this time with Reimu first, Marisa seems to be the bigger threat to my plans.

**_(Interview with Cirno, CNN Weekly's Owner and Chief Editor on the field)_**_  
Cirno_: Rumia! You won't believe this!

_Rumia_: I've heard that one before.

_Cirno_: It's different this time!

_Rumia_: Is that so? I've heard that one too.

_Cirno_: You gotta listen! Both whacked-out girls are going to fight it out, right outside the Hakurei Shrine, next week! The day after the last day for finding allies, which falls on the 29th! Be here to cover my victory!

_Rumia_: Is that so?

_Cirno_: Yes! It's gonna be me and Chen with Marisa up against Red White!

_Rumia_: Let me see, 30th Day of the 11th Month?

_Cirno_: Wait, I thought it was going to be the 1st of the 12th Month?

_Rumia_: WHY CAN'T YOU COUNT BEYOND 9? THE MONTH ENDS ON THE 30th!

_Cirno_: Leave that out of this week's edition of the Weekly, okay?

_Rumia_: I will remember to edit it out. Any luck on getting friends?

_Cirno_: Everybody seems to hate Marisa. The fairies are all hiding, Daiyousei included. Nobody wants to get sealed away, even though we fairies will never support the miko! Wriggle's hiding in abstract fear from Yuuka's appearance and Mystia's still in a daze over at Eientei.

_Rumia_: What about you?

_Cirno_: (I) AM THE STRONGEST! But listen, will you? And leave this out of the print.

_Rumia_: I'm all ears.

_Cirno_: Everyone's all out against us, I don't know if I will be able to come home. You do know what happens if we lose, right? So if that really happens… will you…

_Rumia_: Our little secret? Of course I will do it.

_Cirno_: And don't tell anyone about that!

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**WAR BREWING UP ON YOUKAI MOUNTAIN ITSELF**

**E**ven as Gensokyo braces herself for the inevitable war between the Hakurei miko's ghost and the Ordinary Magician, a war of sorts has erupted on Youkai Mountain itself.

A large crowd, comprising of mostly kappas and tengus, along with other youkai inhabitants, were cheering wildly at the edge of Lake Suwa as Moriya Suwako, the Earth Goddess of the Shrine, and Yasaka Kanako, Wind and Current Patron Goddess of the Moriya Shrine, decked it out in a mud-wrestle along the banks of the lake. A helpless Wind Priestess Kochiya Sanae stood at the entrance of the shrine, not bothering to stop either of them.

"I don't even care anymore," Kochiya told reporters. "They are still feuding over who actually had won the Great Suwa War that took place in the Outer World centuries ago." When asked about her standing on Gensokyo's Great War, she declined to comment and instead told reporters to ask the mud wrestlers instead.

**EIENTEI TO IGNORE THE ONGOINGS OF THE WAR**

**I**n a surprising mail sent to CNN Weekly, Houraisen Kaguya, the ex-Lunar Princess of the Moon, has informed the media that Eientei 'would rather remain under the cover of bamboo to avoid lunar eyes.'

"What? Those bunnies out there love playing hide and seek! I'm just doing the same! How is that even weird?" Houraisen replied when asked directly in a small interview conducted at the edge of the Bamboo Forest of the Lost. "Now you see me, now you don't!"

Bunnies behind the princess shook heads with sympathy at her sanity.

**YOUKAI FULLY BACKS MIKO'S GHOST**

**T**he monk of the recently arrived Myouren Temple Hijiri Byakuren congratulated Hakurei Reimu on 'her awakening of her purpose in Gensokyo.'

"Unity among all is the key to survival," the monk said. "Even though she only did this due to a foreseen disaster, it shows a level of maturity in the young miko, even in afterlife. One is never too late to make amends. Let us spread the word of unison and may Gensokyo tide over the upcoming tidings of doom."

Within moments, the temple's resident cleaner Kasodani Kyouko, a yamabiko, began echoing Hijiri's words throughout the temple, nearly shattering glass windows and expensive pottery lining the hallways. 'SPREAD THE LOVE! SPREAD THE LOVE!' echoed throughout the temple grounds and many worshippers, including our intrepid reporter, covered their ears in pain.

"I cannot believe Marisa is not falling in line with Reimu on this," Hijiri added. "Even Nue and Shou agrees with me."

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**HELP-A-MARISA CHARITY DRIVE**

Rise up against the oppressor known as Hakurei Reimu!

Let Gensokyo go back to her old days of chaos and big differences between species! The fairies shall always attack the humans, the youkai will prey on them, the ghosts to haunt them! Chaos for Gensokyo! Chaos for our daily living! _Viva la _chaos!

Your every donation to the drive will contribute to our funds to build a secret weapon to aid the Ordinary Magician in the war!

_Contact Information:_

_Anonymous Fairy  
Misty Lake, Gensokyo_

_"Team Marisa is like a hydra. Sever one head, two take its place! Viva la chaos!"_

**CALLING TO ALL OF GENSOKYO FOR MUSHROOM BLOCKADE**

As many of you seem to favor unity over being sealed away, I hereby declare mushrooms to be illegal in Gensokyo.

You will all begin harvesting or destroying every mushroom you see or known to be growing somewhere. Anyone caught trading or gifting mushrooms to the witch risks being sealed away. You have been warned.

_Contact information:_

_Hakurei Reimu  
Miko of the Afterlife  
Hakurei Shrine, Gensokyo_

_"They always say that the only way to get things done is to do it yourself. What will you do without a hardworking miko?"_

**MISSING: YAKUMOS RAN AND YUKARI**

Name: Yakumo Ran  
Species: Kitsune  
Description: Has ten bushy tails that stink. Wears a nightcap. Very cunning.  
Last seen: Mayohiga, kitchen

Name: Yakumo Yukari  
Species: Youkai  
Description: Ran says she's an old hag who wears clothing that is labeled 'outdated' in the Outer World. Ran also says she usually carries a cheap parasol bought at ridiculous prices from a convenient store in the Outer World known as '7-Eleven'.  
Last seen: Mayohiga, bedroom

Anyone with information should leave their contact information with CNN Weekly's Acting Editor as I would be in the field with Marisa.

_Contact Information:_

_Chen  
Marisa's Supporter, part-time Delivery Staff for CNN Weekly  
Gensokyo_

"_I sometimes wonder why Marisa doesn't bother about Yukari and Ran. They are so important to me, but at least I'm getting my bicycle back."_

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**Last week's answer: … (A.N.: If you really –DON'T- know the answer, you aren't really into Touhou.)**

**Mysteries of the 'Up Above': Another Incident?**

Which of the two is smarter: The Sun or the Moon?

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**28****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **12°C/6°C**  
Chance of rain:** Thunderstorms. But not enough to kill.

**29****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point:** 12°C/7°C  
**Chance of rain: **Zero. It's Fujiwara no Mokou's birthday; she intends to ride a phoenix across the skies. Be sure to bring your laundries in as soon as you can, things can become really hot!

**30****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **13°C/9°C  
**Chance of rain:** Rain or shine will depend on who won the mud-wrestle.

**1****st**** Day of the 12****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **11°C/9°C**  
Chance of rain:** A new month, a new start. Mikos should get busy with new year preparations, but one certain miko isn't preparing for new year, but a new era of… oh wait, I think it might rain.

**2****nd**** Day of the 12****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **14C/9°C**  
Chance of rain:** Winter is approaching, but the rains arrive first.

**3****rd**** Day of the 12****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **13°C/7°C**  
Chance of rain: **Expect major precipitation along the Road of Remorse and the Great Plains. Great day to bring an umbrella if you are visiting the milk farm.

**4****th**** Day of the 12****th**** Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **9°C/6°C**  
Chance of rain:** There are four people who never worries about rains. Even sunshine, for a certain scarlet individual.

_Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."_

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

**Deceased: Kasodani Kyouko  
Date of Death: 25****th**** Day of the 11****th**** Month  
Cause of Death: Beaten to death for blasting ear drums of worshippers**

**Yama's Judgment**

White. You did nothing wrong. Lots of being bullied instead of bullying, I'm impressed with your willingness to accept violence on yourself. But it seems that you are not done with your goals; return to your temple and achieve what you have set for yourself before seeing me here again. Farewell.

**Shikigami of Yama's comments**

Hey Miko, can I borrow those earmuffs of yours?

Like… WHO KNEW SOULS COULD MAKE ONE DEAF? Excuse me? Even that oversized-chested hag in the Netherworld doesn't poison your brain with idiotic thinking! Oh my Kanako, I've just spent a good fortune getting a new Titanic from that kappa on your mountain, grant me another boon to avoid spending my life savings for another from her 'siren's song'!

Honestly, I wouldn't mind some noise on the lake if it was pleasant, but not this! It's like having Cirno telling you bad jokes directly to both of my ears at triple the volume, it's making me go crazy! This one's almost at the idiot level, on par with Cirno!

**_Funeral to be held at:_**

_It was an accident, the tanuki had no intention to kill with the yamabiko's broom.  
-Toramaru Shou_

* * *

**Weekly article brought to you by**  
Rumia (Acting Editor, On-site Reporter)  
Random Fairies (Article writing and delivery)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**Stuff worth mentioning:**

**Cirno's possibly-dirty 'Little Secret': This may or may not be a major contributing factor in the war. At the very least, it is just an 'extra' for Cirno fans.**

**Mud-wrestle News Report: Never a more appropriate timing for this to happen. Slothful Simple Man's work on this site "The Celestial Song Bird" had made a passing remark on this, and I thought it would be funny to make it really happen. It's a pretty good work with lots of laugh and, in one of the chapters, weird theories of our lives. A must read for those who are seeking a spark of laughter in your dull day.**

**Advertisements: About the hydra, I'm just assuming some of the fairies out there have intelligences surpassing humans and youkai. Finding one in a million with secret information of Outer World mythologies shouldn't be too odd.**

**Ran having 'ten tails': An error on Chen's part, on purpose.**

**Last Week's Puzzle Answer: If you still haven't figured out, it's Cirno.**

**Rumia's overall writing style: I've realized that it's pretty hard to adopt a totally new writing style, seeing that I'm the actual author of all these scandalous gossip columns. The only difference you would probably notice is the lack of slandering of characters' titles and lesser biased lies, 'lesser' being the keyword here.**


	10. 5th Day 12th Month Issue

**Angry rant version 2: Upon my heart, I SWEAR I made some changes to this issue, and yet after twenty four hours, the changes on both the document AND actual story reflects nothing. The changes are minor, but it does reflect both my penmanship and this site's issues. Damn!  
**

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 5****th**** Day of the 12****th**** Month**

_Gensoyko's darkest days are here,  
yet the gods are forsaking us.  
Darkness picks up its grim scythe  
while the Light picks up a hoe._

_Harken the voice of Doom!_

* * *

**_Contents_**

**I. HEADLINES**

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI. OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**THE GREAT GENSOKYO WAR BEGINS  
**_by Rumia_

**A**s agreed between both camps, the war was to be waged in a series of challenges at the Hakurei Shrine at daybreak, and a winner will be declared when all teams of the opposing camp loses. Challenges can be waged as single entities representing the entire team, in which a defeat results in defeat for the entire team, or having all members of the team to participate, where the defeat of the entire team will then be required for a victory. The winner of the war would go to the side that defeats all participating team members of the opposition.

In the event that the war could not be resolved within the same day, a continuation will be held on the following week, on the 7th Day of the 12th Month.

Nagae Iku, the 'Oarfishal' and judge of the challenges, along with Izayoi Sakuya as the timekeeper, were present to oversee the war. "I finally got a job on something I'm pretty good at!" Nagae told reporters as both camps of the war were still making their final preparations. "My judging is final, and they trust me to be fair."

"And once again, the mistress wants me to keep track of time for something that I don't really care about," Izayoi shrugged when asked about being the timekeeper for almost every single event in Gensokyo, including the Annual Gensokyo Eating Competition held every 10th month of the year. "The mistress is also participating in the war. I would have thought she had wanted me to cheat for her, but she had decided that her opponents were too weak to even need to stoop so low. I guess the lady has matured even after five hundred years. And no, you didn't hear that from me."

Compared to Team Marisa's motley crew of three members, Team Reimu's camp was a large crowd of participants eager to begin the war. "It has been a while since I had the opportunity to bare my fangs out for a real battle!" Remilia Scarlet, vampire, owner of her own mansion and lead singer in a band, told reporters in an excited voice. "There's no need to worry about the sun, I have my lucky Remilia's Umbrella with me here today."

"Perhaps this war will prove to Cirno that her reports about my relationship with Marisa were false," Alice Margatroid, the Seven Colored Puppeteer, said. "My challenge to Team Marisa is simply a one-on-one, and I'm very sure Marisa isn't prepared for this one. Reimu agreed and assigned me as the first team challenger."

"Cirno won in the shogi tournament?" a celestial known as Hinanawi Tenshi, smirked when interviewed. "Let's see how she performs today!"

"My assigned team is pretty odd," Kazami Yuuka sighed when asked about her role in Hakurei's camp. "I would have gone in on my own, but I don't want to get sealed away. Not that that miko could if she tried, but I'm just using her to get back at Marisa."

"I (don't) know if I can perform (today)," a very heavily hung Fujiwara no Mokou, said. "The oni told (me) sake was (on the house) and we (celebrated till late)." Additional comments about Hoshiguma Yuugi and Ibuki Suika were omitted as they had nothing to do with the war.

"I've got plenty of surprises for Team Marisa!" Futatsuiwa Mamizou, representing Myouren Temple against Kirisame Marisa, rubbed her hands with glee. "Even better than that stupid Kogasa!"

Team Marisa, despite having few participants, also had their share of supporters. "The fairies are all here to support Cirno!" a fairy spoke from behind some bushes near the Hakurei Shrine on condition of anonymity. "We can't show our faces, but Marisa is now holding our secret weapon!"

"I had 'accidentally' left one of my creations on my window sill," quoted a mail sent from the Youkai Mountain. "Hopefully Marisa had bothered to loot it. After all, it is kappa invention, it can never fail to please!"

The teams were finally ready just before the sun rose above the ground. At a command given by Nagae, the Great Gensokyo War began.

**War Challenge 1  
Team Marisa members:** Kirisame Marisa, Chen**  
Team Reimu members:** Alice Margatroid, Shanghai, Hourai  
**Challenge type: **Controlling minions to perform tasks  
**Conditions for victory:** Best two of three challenges

The first task was to have the minions dig a hole of a specified depth and width. While Margatroid had her dolls search for tools around the Hakurei Shrine's shed, Kirisame simply told her minion, Chen, about catnip being buried right under where she stood and the nekomata began clawing at the ground furiously. **Team Marisa won.**

The next task was to clean up the Hakurei Shrine, which had been thrashed earlier. With already much experience at home, the doll team managed the job in less than two hours while Chen simply made matters worse with her inability to do housework. **Team Reimu 1 won.**

The last task was combat, where the minions were to pick up weapons of any type and battle. Margatroid had her dolls use polearms to avoid Chen's sharp claws, but it was of no use when Kirisame Marisa whispered something into the ears of the nekomata, causing it to enter a ferocious feline frenzy and shreded the dolls into pieces of cloths. **Team Marisa won.**

**War Challenge 2  
Team Marisa members: **Cirno**  
Team Reimu members: **Hinanawi Tenshi**  
Challenge type:** Shogi  
**Conditions for victory:** Victory on one round of Shogi

The time limit for the game was set to three minutes, in which if a victor had not emerged, victory would go to the side which had the higher number of surviving tiles. Cirno was allowed the first move. Within the first ten seconds, Cirno scored first blood on one of Hinanawi's 'Pawn' tiles and Izayoi declared that three minutes had passed. Nagae declared **Team Marisa as the victor**, despite protests coming from Team Reimu over the sudden acceleration in time.

**War Challenge 3  
Team Marisa members:** Kirisame Marisa, Chen, Cirno  
**Team Reimu members: **Koakuma, Flandre Scarlet, Reisen Udonge Inaba  
**Challenge type**: Staring Competition  
**Conditions for victory**: Best two of three

A challenge where the participants were not allowed to do anything other than continue to stare into each other's eyes. Kirisame went first against Koakuma. Despite the succubus overwhelming seduction in her eyes, she immediately lost when she noticed Kirisame was already holding a charged-up hakkero in her hands before the round had began.

Flandre Scarlet was the next contestant up against Chen. Misfortune fell upon the nekomata herself as she was suddenly attacked by fleas. Despite Chen's best efforts to remain still, she finally broke away, barely twenty seconds into the round, when she noticed, at the corner of her eyes, that Hakurei Reimu's ghost was riding a bicycle.

The final round, the tiebreaker and decisive match, came between Cirno and Reisen Udonge Inaba. The lunar rabbit had secretly sneaked out of Eientei, despite Houraisen Kaguya's neutral stance in the war, and joined Hakurei's side in the war. Well known for driving people insane with her eyes, she was the hot favorite to win the match. Much to the surprise, and anger, of Team Hakurei, Udonge broke away while rolling on the floor and laughing at herself, claiming that Cirno looked totally like an idiot when she was still. **Team Marisa won the challenge.**

**War Challenge 4**  
**Team Marisa members: **Kirisame Marisa, Chen  
**Team Reimu members**: Remilia Scarlet, Kazami Yuuka, Tatara Kogasa  
**Challenge Type:** Combination Danmaku  
**Conditions for victory**: Defeat the enemy in a danmaku battle

A handicapped battle for Team Marisa as Cirno had remained frozen in an ice block since the previous challenge. This challenge tested both teams' ability to create a danmaku pattern in a set duration of one minute and to actually execute it to defeat the enemy. Team Reimu's members came up with the Combination Art "Parasol Sign: Pyramid Parasol Pandemonium", a spellcard featuring Tatara Kogasa's original spell 'Rainbow Sign: Umbrella Cyclone' (**A.N.: From Ten Desires**), except it was executed by all three members in a triangle formation.

Team Marisa's duo worked out a variation of Kirisame Marisa's original spellcard and named their Combination Art "Magical Cat Sign: Catnip Reverie". This spellcard had Kirisame using catnip instead of her star magic, and Chen assaulted anyone caught in the danmaku. With the sun already rising, Team Marisa capitalized on Team Reimu's weakest link: Remilia Scarlet. Within fifteen seconds, Scarlet's parasol was knocked out of her hands and she scampered back under the shade of a nearby tree, effectively ending their team's Combination Art. **Team Marisa won.**

**War challenge 5  
Team Marisa members: **Chen, Cirno  
**Team Reimu members:** Fujiwara no Mokou, Futatsuiwa Mamizou  
**Challenge Type**: Cosplaying  
**Conditions for victory**: Best two on three

"White Miko is weird" was the suspicion in the minds of all present as the challenge was announced. The first round's theme was "A drunk oni". Teams were given props and costumes that were similar to those worn by two very drunk onis in Gensokyo, and were given ten minutes to dress up and fall into character. Nagae judged that while both Chen and Cirno had resembled Ibuki Suika in terms of height and chest measurements, they were unable to bring themselves to drink sake to resemble a drunk. On the other hand, Fujiwara no Mokou, despite not being able to change into a Hoshiguma Yuugi outfit in time, won the first round by being already extremely drunk and having 'enough chest' to resemble the said oni.

Round 2's theme was "a kitsune". Naturally, being her shikigami, Chen led her team to victory as she helped Cirno into the finer details of acting like a cunning kitsune. Nagae did note that while Team Reimu's Futatsuiwa looked exactly like Yakumo Ran, her team scored lesser as Fujiwara was knocked out on the ground, a total opposite of a non-drinking kitsune.

The tiebreaker round's theme became "A human in the Outer World." This theme was in no way imbalanced as both teams had somebody who had been in the Outer World prior to the war. However, during judging, both fared badly as Nagae deducted points from both teams. "Humans wouldn't have a raccoon tail, icicle wings or two tails. Fujiwara's the closest with her suspenders and human-like body, but they don't conjure fire out of nowhere," Nagae said. Declaring the round to be a draw, the challenge would have entered another tiebreaking round, but Hakurei announced the postponement, claiming that she 'had to rest for the day', and that the war would continue in the following week.

**_(Interview with the participants an hour after dinner)_**_  
Rumia_: Hi! I'm Rumia, Acting Editor for CNN Weekly! I'm covering the little war between Ordinary Magician Kirisame Marisa and White Miko Hakurei Reimu!

_Flandre Scarlet_: Not another gossip column in Gensokyo?

_Rumia_: Definitely better than Bunbunmaru! But let's cut this short, alright? Alice, you were supposed to have the upper hand in Challenge 1. What happened?

_Margatroid_: I wasn't expecting that crafty witch to use Chen! I was fully expecting her to bow out of the challenge right away. It had slipped my mind that Chen is a shikigami! Knowing Marisa's weird experiments at home, she could have formulated a temporary contract with that nekomata!

_Rumia_: And Marisa, do you find any of these to be true?

_Kirisame_: Definitely true. Not a single misconception.

_Rumia_: For the third round, you were whispering something into Chen's ears?

_Chen_: Marisa, the dolls didn't seem to have the bicycle! Are you sure you got the information right?

_Kirisame_: Shush, Chen, that can wait.

_Rumia_: … I think I get the idea. By the way, where's Cirno? Tenshi was angrily telling me her side of the story when she lost her challenge.

_Cirno_: Right here, Rumia. Hope you got the event covered.

_Rumia_: On it. Can you kindly explain why Sakuya declared that time was up after your first kill?

_Cirno_: Same trick I used against Satori. Froze everyone around, waited for time to pass, then made my move. Bet none of you could feel it. Mokou was the only one not affected, but I noticed she was too drunk to pay attention.

_Rumia_: I knew it!

_Udonge_: Hey, Cirno, everytime I look at you standing still, I can't stop laughing! You just have to be the funniest idiot ever in Gensokyo! *_rolls on the floor laughing_*

_Cirno_: (I am) not an idiot!

_Rumia_: Shoo, Reisen, nobody asked you anything. You lost fair and square, too bad for you. Anyway, back to you, Marisa. The danmaku battle was extremely intense! You do realize both of you could have lost in that handicapped match?

_Kirisame_: Chen was willing to take any necessary risks to see Ran again. I felt, as her master, obliged to help.

_Rumia_: You were just using the poor nekomata!

_Kirisame_: I even promised to give her shelter and feed her!

_P. Knowledge_: Even my farm's cleaner than your sty, Marisa.

_Rumia_: Ahh, Patchouli. You are slated for next week if Marisa's team makes it through this challenge?

_P. Knowledge_: Yes. But I'm not too worried, seeing that she wouldn't make it to my round.

_Rumia_: How sure can you be?

_R. Scarlet_: It's all fated.

_Kirisame_: Like how you are weak against the sunlight? That was pathetic cowardice, vampire girl, you should have known better than to wage danmaku wars with me!

_R. Scarlet_: I dare you to a rematch under the full moon.

_Kazami_: I'm not one who favors the night.

_R. Scarlet_: Who needs you? I'm good all alone!

_Rumia_: Alright, both teams, how are you feeling about this war, up till now?

_Kirisame_: I'm seeing hope in my cause. These people do not support Reimu at all, they are just finding excuses to get back at me. Especially _some_ red people.

_Hakurei_: As Remilia had said, it's all fated. We shall be back next week.

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**SATORI WARNS OF MAJOR CONSPIRACY BREWING IN GENSOKYO**

**C**hireiden has claimed that 'not everything is as it is', especially the ongoing war on the surface.

"I have spoken directly with the Yama of Xanadu," Komeji Satori, owner of Chireiden, Palace of Earth Spirits and Former Hell, told reporters. "(Hakurei) Reimu's soul has yet to enter her halls for judgement. While Komachi is definitely guilty for slacking instead of ferrying the soul over the river, her mind says that Reimu has never showed up at the river."

Even before being asked about the possibility of Hakurei's soul still being vengeful and not wanting to submit itself to the Yama, the satori nodded. "Indeed, it is said that some souls only linger around because of unfinished business. It is entirely possible for Reimu's case, but I wouldn't bet on it."

**EIENTEI REPORTS ESCAPED PATIENT**

**L**unarian doctor Yagokoro Eirin walked into the patients' ward on the dawn of the 1st Day of the 12th Month, finding not a quiet environment, but of panic, as her recovering patients of various treatments and/or experiments crowded over an empty but bloodstained bed.

A trail of blood, starting from one side of the bed, ended in a pool of crimson at the foot of a broken window, suggesting 'either an escaped or kidnapped patient'. As patients began suggesting all sorts of theories over the incident, which had been said to have happened while they were sleeping during the night, Yagokoro silenced them with a wave of her hand. "Honestly, I think it might be Reisen. After all, she did complain of a headache recently."

One patient pointed out that a headache would not cause one to even spill blood, to which the Lunarian doctor dismissed. "Lunarians work differently from you youkai and humans," she said. During a one-to-one interview in her office, CNN Weekly was told that Eientei never maintained a record of their patients, so they were unable to find out which patient was missing from the ward. Our reporter found the chain of events to be suspicious, but Yagokoro declined to comment further.

**NETHERWORLD DENIES 'OWNERSHIP' OF SOUL**

**I**n response to the ever-growing demand for Hakugyokurou to reclaim Hakurei Reimu's spirit back to the Netherworld, Saigyouji Yuyuko has officially announced that Hakurei's spirit 'was never part of the Netherworld.'

"The Lady and I have worked feverishly over the past week through our records with the Yama," Konpaku Youmu, Gardener of the Netherworld, spoke to reporters at the base of the stairway leading to the Saigyou residence. "Reimu's name never appeared on either of our lists. The Lady would also like you to add in your paper that she has confirmed the results, so Hakugyokurou would not be reclaiming the soul."

CNN Weekly suggested a spelling mistake that could have been overlooked, but the gardener shook her head, insisting that 'everything is made to perfection'. "It would be terrible if I had added my own name instead of Reimu's," she cracked a rare joke, something the half-phantom was not well known for.

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**ONI BETTING: UPDATE!**

Still holding on to those betting slips of yours, have you? Keep them nice and tight, the war is still ongoing! Victory is still far for both teams, and you still stand equal chances of making a big fortune.

Seems that most of you favor Team Reimu? Fear not, Team Marisa supporters, the odds will not tip against you! Rates are still ongoing at 1:2 for both teams, so get your friends to lay down their bets today!

_Contact Information:_

_Hoshiguma Yuugi/Ibuki Suika  
Oni Betting Ltd  
Ancient City, Gensokyo_

_"We are one of the sponsors for the Great Gensokyo War!"_

**MUSHROOM GALORE'S THANK-YOU SALE**

Within the first week of our business, our stock of mushrooms have been depleted, thanks to your generous support!

In appreciation of you valued customers, we will be holding a discounted sale across all ranges of mushrooms in our next batch. Mushrooms for food, mushrooms for rain, mushrooms for shine, mushrooms everywhere!

_Contact information:_

_Mushrooms Galore  
Edge of the Bamboo Forest of the Lost, Gensokyo_

_"Some people have been said to grow larger when eating mushrooms. Others could throw fireballs after eating a second. What about you?"_

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**Last week's answer: Neither, the star is the most intelligent. Star Sapphire is the smartest of the Three Mischievous Fairies.** (**A.N.: The actual answer is the Sun, because it has a million degrees, but this is Touhou, so…**)

**There will be no weekly puzzle for this issue, catch us again on the next issue!**

* * *

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**The weather department is currently inactive due to all staff taking cover from Hakurei Reimu's threat of seal.**

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

Nobody died this week. Isn't it weird that nobody died when there's a war going on?

* * *

**Weekly article brought to you by**  
Rumia (Acting Editor, On-site Reporter, Delivery)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**Stuff worth mentioning:**

**The Great Gensokyo War: Not something you were expecting, isn't it? I made it sound more like two girls having a petty argument than a real war, so whoever who said wars weren't possible in Gensokyo, you won =D**

**On the other hand, the war is meant to be ****_that_**** ridiculous, seeing that anything can happen in an imaginary world.**

**Lack of danmaku for a Touhou fic: I've been getting this in both my PMs and friends' private reviews ever since I wrote my first fic here. I don't really like writing about danmaku battles as I believe they are best left to actual gameplay. Five minutes in a stage in Touhou takes more than a thousand words to describe, and I don't have that kind of good skills to write that. I find myself better in writing non-mainstream ideas than most, unfortunately.  
**

**Combination Art danmaku: This is the idea that made me start this entire war story on CNN Weekly. I will not spoil any further, but upon the epilogue of the war, more information will be released.  
**

**Interview format difference: This site is giving me some issues to write Flandre's name in the format I use for Remilia. It is as if they tried to censor it off, but for what reasons, I don't know. Pardon the inconsistency.  
**

**Last note to readers: If you find any broken links in the story so far, please PM me immediately. It is a common mistake for us readers to not notice a missing link or critical information relating to a story, and I feel I have committed this mistake numerous times after reading through all my entries again.  
**


	11. 12th Day 12th Month Issue

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
Issue Date: 12****th**** Day of the 12****th**** Month**

_Darkness engulfs Gensokyo in a Full Circle,  
Yet the Shining Beacon of Hope flares brightly.  
Gensokyo's Hope, defiant to the last,  
Against all odds,  
Brings the fight to the enemy._

* * *

**_Contents_**

**I. HEADLINES**

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**VI. OBITUARY**

* * *

**I. HEADLINES**

**UNEXPECTED REINFORCEMENT JOINS TEAM MARISA IN THE ONGOING WAR  
**_by Rumia_

**F**ive seconds more to go, and Nagae Iku would have declared the start of the continuation of the war, with both sides eager to begin. However, that was not to be as a nasty surprise for Team Reimu happened; an unexpected addition to Team Marisa, in the form of Toyosatomimi no Miko.

The self-proclaimed Sword Saint of Senkai had made her sudden appearance at Hakurei Shrine, wearing a bloodstained surgical gown. Her left hand was bound completely in similarly stained bandages, showing a corrected _left_ hand, her platinum-shaded hair left undone instead of her usual kitsune-eared style. She was missing her customary shaku, but the Sword of Seven Stars still hung sheathed at her waist, looking totally out of place on her current outfit.

A certain pair of vampires' fangs grew at the sight of the bloodstained saint, but while most of Team Reimu and war observers made crude remarks of her appearance, Hakurei Reimu, the White Ghost Miko of Hakurei Shrine, protested the saint's participation 'since the cut-off date for joining a team has passed'.

Toyosatomimi replied that her name was already on Team Marisa's list long before the cut-off date. "It's written in lemon juice," the saint said. "Bring the parchment over a source of light and you will see." Nagae did as she was told and brought the registration parchment above her head, directly under sunlight; 'Toyosatomimi no Miko' characters were indeed there, albeit invisible to the naked eye. With nothing left to accuse a smirking Kirisame Marisa, Hakurei retreated to her side and Nagae gave the signal to Izayoi Sakuya to start the stopwatch, effectively beginning the war.

War Challenge 5 was unanimously agreed between both teams that a winning outcome for a cosplaying challenge would be impossible and so settled for a draw. Members of both teams in challenge 5 were allowed to continue participation in future challenges in the war.

**War Challenge 6  
Team Marisa members:** Toyosatomimi no Miko**  
Team Reimu members:** Patchouli Knowledge  
**Challenge type: **Religious Studies quiz  
**Conditions for victory:** The one with more correct answers among the two

Fear gripped Team Reimu's representative as the opponent that stood before her in this challenge was superior in this field of study, having more than a thousand years worth of studies at her corrected fingertips compared to the librarian's own one hundred years of reading.

The quiz was actually authored by Kochiya Sanae, Wind Priestess of the Moriya Shrine up at Youkai Mountain, and it contained questions relating to all forms of religions present in Gensokyo. The time limit given was only half an hour for three hundred questions, bringing sweat and blood pressure levels up for both participants.

A parchment containing answers to all questions were compared to both participants' quiz sheet at the end of the duration. After checking through each participant's quiz' answers, Nagae Iku declared the results at 284:272 in favor of the Sword Saint, granting victory to **Team Marisa**.

**War Challenge 7  
Team Marisa members:** Kirisame Marisa, Cirno**  
Team Reimu members:** Medicine Melancholy, Fujiwara no Mokou  
**Challenge type:** Cure a poison  
**Conditions for victory:** First to cure a poisoned victim

Each team were to send two representatives; one alchemist and one patient. Both patients were made to sit on the open ground while being administered with a potent poison, and it would be up to each team's alchemist to purge the poison from the victims. Both teams only have time dependent on the victims' resistance to the foreign substances in their body.

Melancholy was an expert in poisons, claiming that she had been 'working with poisons since my own birth in this doll body', and that no poisons have eluded her knowledge. Kirisame, on the other hand, simply dug into a small sack at her feet while her patient, Cirno, sat patiently on the open ground, not showing any signs of poisoning. Fujiwara, on the other hand, had already begun throwing up food from a previous night's dinner.

Ten minutes passed and Team Marisa's participating members were basking under the sun, seemingly relaxed and enjoying a snack of mushrooms while Melancholy was still busy working with something unseen in her doll hands. Another five minutes had passed and Melancholy fed her creation to the near-fainting Fujiwara while Cirno finished up her morning snack of mushrooms.

Nagae then announced that there was nobody around who could verify whether the victims had been cured of their poisons, that the challenge should be declared a draw. Melancholy, however, insisted that Fujiwara had been cured, despite the fact the immortal was still pale faced. Cirno, on the other hand, was only complaining about the hot sun she was made to sit under. With the ice fairy showing a stronger vitality, **Team Marisa** was declared the winner.

**War Challenge 8  
Team Marisa members:** Toyosatomimi no Miko, Chen**  
Team Reimu members:** Futatsuiwa Mamizou, Houjuu Nue  
**Challenge type:** Hide and seek  
**Conditions for victory:** Team that takes the shorter time to seek out the opposing team

A challenge in which both teams have their own advantages, the hide and seek took place in Hakurei Shrine itself. Hieda no Akyu, a war observer and Gensokyo's history writer, had asked why Hakurei would allow anyone to play inside the shrine, but said miko simply ignored the question and the challenge began.

The Myouren duo was tasked first to be the hiding party, while Team Marisa's pair had to wait outside the shrine. The interior was eerily quiet, even from the standing point of the media's corner, and the hunt began after the stipulated thirty seconds. Toyosatomimi, true to her name, abused her sharp hearing and detected noise, discovering Houjuu's hiding spot in twelve seconds, while Chen, a champion in this game within Team Nineball, tripped over a raccoon's tail on the fifteenth second.

The tables turned, Team Marisa had to hide. However, two seconds before the Myouren duo could begin their hunt, both Toyosatomimi and Chen walked out of the shrine's front doors, haunted looks in their eyes and announced their withdrawal from the challenge. With that, **Team Reimu** won their first challenge, and effectively removed two Team Marisa members from the war.

Team Marisa continued to refuse participation even when Nagae announced the start of the next challenge, despite booing and loud jeers from the opposite camp. Kirisame Marisa, after a short moment, was seen talking to the oarfish and somehow got her to postpone the war again to another day.

**_ (Interview with Team Marisa in Senkai, some hours after leaving Hakurei Shrine)_**_  
Rumia_: Your presence in Gensokyo was indeed unwelcome, Miko.

_Toyosatomimi_: Who are you?

_Rumia_: Rumia for Cirno News Network Weekly.

_Toyosatomimi_: Isn't that you, snowball?

_Cirno_: (Eye) am not a snowball!

_Rumia_: I remember doing an interview with you at Eientei, Miko. Before your surgery.

_Toyosatomimi_: What is it that you want to know this time?

_Rumia_: Look, I'm on your side, alright? Why are you here?

_Toyosatomimi_: Marisa came to me two weeks ago while I was still under some deep sleep after my surgery. She spoke of an opportunity to get back at Reimu for labeling us as 'imperfect creations'. You know I can't take that lying down, having already done that for a thousand years with a disability!

_Kirisame_: And I had to fight my way through half of a whole army of rabbits to reach you, and another half on my way out.

_Rumia_: You did not fight, Marisa, you simply gave them all a love beam.

_Kirisame_: How did you know about that part? *grins*

_Rumia_: Miko, if you could actually open a warp to Senkai at any time and place of your choosing like you just did, why couldn't you have done that earlier? You were only five seconds before Marisa had to contend with Patchy's challenge!

_Toyosatomimi_: Eientei has some strange magic blocking my warp. Besides, I did not want to leave any spell residue behind for Eirin to trace my path. I had to travel by land after hearing somebody talking about doing 'air reconnaissance'.

_Rumia_: Smart idea, they would have thought everybody solved problems by flying in the air. And after several days, you decided to open the warp after being confident of losing their trail?

_Toyosatomimi_: Correct.

_Rumia_: Anyway, Cirno, if I saw it right, you never swallowed the poisoned pill?

_Cirno_: Of course not! The rules never stated so!

_Rumia_: Marisa probably told you that, I doubt you were smart enough to not swallow it.

_Chen_: Saint girl, you smell awful in those clothes. Couldn't you have changed those out while you were back here? I could even smell you when you were finding a hiding spot earlier!

_Kirisame_: You two, now's the time to tell me what exactly went wrong inside the shrine? Off the record for this, Rumia. There's a reason why we are hiding in Senkai for now.

_Rumia_: Interview suspended.

* * *

**II. NEWS REPORTS**

**MUD WRESTLE ONGOING WITH NO VISIBLE OUTCOME**

**A **hunched-back Kochiya Sanae, boned tired from cleaning up the Moriya Shrine, seemed ready to denounce her faith to both Yasaka Kanako, Patron Goddess of the shrine, and Moriya Suwako, Earth Goddess and ex-Patron of the shrine.

"Do you know what kind of Former Hell those two bring back with them daily?" the green-haired priestess snapped at reporters. "Mud! And they don't bath or even take a shower, but simply head off to bed every evening and wake up at daybreak, creating a din in the shrine in front of worshippers before decking it out at Lake Suwa again!"

Enthusiastic supporters for both goddesses in their own war were reported to have been showing up daily for the mud wrestle. "Those two are the hottest when they catfight!" a male kappa told CNN Weekly. "Look at how their bodies move when they struggle with each other!"

"It's been more than two weeks already," quoted an off-duty white wolf guard. "Momiji never stopped us from coming, as long as we return to work when our shift starts."

**MYOUREN TEMPLE CLAIMS UNFAIR JUDGEMENT DESPITE THEIR VICTORY**

**T**he monk of Myouren Temple, Hijiri Byakuren, accused Nagae Iku, Dragon God Messenger and current official for the Great Gensokyo War, of being biased with her judging, claiming that Kirisame Marisa could 'simply have her request granted, while being deaf to our protests last week'.

"Did you remember the Shogi tournament?" Hijiri said. "She didn't so much as to lend us her ears when she declared Cirno as the winner! The time limit was set to three minutes, why did it end right after that nine ball made her first move in ten seconds?"

Nagae, when interviewed, denied corruption and unfair judgment, claiming that if she wanted to be biased, she would have sided with her own student, who happened to be the representative of Team Reimu for that challenge. "Every round was judged in utmost carefulness," she told reporters. "Sakuya's clock did show that three minutes have passed in the fore-mentioned challenge, there isn't any reason to accuse me of being biased now, is there? And what about last week, when Reimu could simply want to postpone it, too?"

**MISTY LAKE ATTACKED IN FULL FORCE**

**S**creams of panic and communication filled the air of the tranquil Misty Lake as ghosts, confirmed to not have any connections with Hakugyokurou, invaded, possessing numerous fairies, who then turned against their own and assisted in the assault.

Numerous dwellings were torched with their own spells, filling the air above the lake in a smoke thicker than the red mist during the Scarlet Mist incident. "I don't know what's going on!" Daiyousei, the leading figure among the fairies, spoke with an urgent voice to our reporter. "A lot of my friends are now attacking us! Something's turning them on their own brethren! This must have been the disaster the White spoke of?"

When told that the disaster was supposedly involving humans, the greater fairy became hysterical and fled, three of the turned fairies flying after her with murderous intentions.

CNN Weekly's headquarters remained untouched at time of print.

* * *

**III. ADVERTISEMENTS**

There were no advertisements sent in to CNN Weekly at time of print. Have something you want to advertise? Send them in, along with your contact information, to us at

Cirno News Network Weekly HQ  
Cirno Avenue, Gensokyo

A parchment for bill will be sent to you in the shortest possible time, as promised by the high standards set by Cirno herself!

* * *

**IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE**

**A Ghostly Conversation**

Hakurei Reimu and Yuyuko Saigyouji, officially known as ghosts in Gensokyo, were dying, pun not intended, to meet each other. Both of them were in two different rooms with no doors to each room. What would both of them do to meet each other?

**V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST**

**12****th**** Day of the 12th Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **9°C/5°C**  
Chance of rain:** Heavy clouds hang above your furry heads, threatening to rain snow.

**13****th**** Day of the 11th Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point:** 9°C/6°C  
**Chance of rain: **Is that Letty or Cirno raining snow on us?

**14****th**** Day of the 11th Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **9°C/6°C  
**Chance of rain:** Two girls who loved the mud would soon embrace mud ice cream.

**15****th**** Day of the 12th Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **8°C/6°C**  
Chance of rain:** Rain, rain, come again, go away another day… Wait, did I get this wrong? Keine might give me a headbutt if she knew I made this mistake, again!

**16****th**** Day of the 12th Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **10°C /7°C**  
Chance of rain:** Snow should have been falling by now, but our weather department predicted a sudden end on this day.

**17****th**** Day of the 12th Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **12°C/9°C**  
Chance of rain: **Nope, it won't snow on this day either. Hope you have enjoyed making that ugly snowcirno.

**18****th**** Day of the 12th Month  
Temperature/ Dew Point: **12°C/6°C**  
Chance of rain:** Hang out those laundry, no telling when a heavy winter will arrive again!

_Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."_

* * *

**VI. OBITUARY**

Nobody died this week. Or are both Yama and Slacker… slacking?

**Weekly article brought to you by**  
Rumia (Acting Editor, On-site Reporter)  
Random Fairies (Article writing and delivery)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

* * *

**Apologies for delay. I really need to give my attention to other commitments over my fic this time. When I began writing for this incident, I wasn't expecting such a turn of events and… I almost ****had**** to terminate this. Well, since I somehow got to bridge my stories again, here you are =D**

**Stuff worth mentioning:**

**Miko's addition to Team Marisa: Not too well written up there, I know. Apologies again. Miko had been one of the characters I had wanted to add for a while, and she was actually slated to be inserted even before the war, but somehow, I kept giving her the boot until she began pestering… okay, just joking. But yeah, she's here.**

**'Imperfect creations': As one of the reviewers have mentioned, ZUN art is 'best'. I was trying to pick fun on the drawing error. Sorry ZUN =D**

**Something haunted in Hakurei Shrine: With so many youkai defiling a youkai ****_extermination_**** shrine, why wouldn't there be anything haunted in there? After all, everything began ****_all the way back during Halloween…_**

**Lack of Reimu's interference in all the weird stuff going on in Gensokyo: The Reimu that we all know pokes her nose in whenever someone tries to turn Gensokyo into a living hell. Why isn't she doing anything about everything this time round? Has she really fallen into despair over the impending doom? Was that why she had reappeared in white?**

**UPDATE 13/12/12: Fixed a typo, made small additions in the interview, thanks anon for pointing out a really embarrassing mistake!  
**


	12. SPECIAL ISSUE 15th Day 12th Month

**Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.**

**Slanderous they may sound though…**

* * *

**CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY  
SPECIAL REPORT EDITION  
Issue Date: 15th Day**** of the 12th Month**

* * *

**CHECKERED-DRESS WITCH UNCOVERS A DARK HAKUREI TRUTH  
**_by Cirno_

**O**ne mushroom later, Kirisame Marisa, the aforementioned checkered-themed-dress witch of the Forest of Magic, grew to a size comparable to Ibuki Suika's spellcard "Missing Purple Power: It's Morphing Time!" With a broom of similar size to go along with her newfound height, which could be seen from miles away, Kirisame made a sweeping motion on the Hakurei Shrine, destroying the entire structure in one seemingly effortless swing. Another mushroom later, a flaming boulder, even bigger than the shrine itself, dug out of the hill, set the debris on fire.

A bewildered Bleached-Clothed ghost Hakurei Reimu demanded explanation for the assault on her shrine 'before I seal all four of you away' . "What do you think you are doing, Marisa? Teaming up with three strangers against your best friend?" Hakurei was quoted shouting. Two seconds later, she levitated a smaller rock and launched it at Kirisame, who instantly shrank back to her original size.

In response to the question, Toyosatomimi no Miko, a Saint of A World Which Nobody Cared About, only replied with answers that were totally off-topic from what she had demanded. "Your desires desired to be heard," the saint intoned. "I can listen ten desires at any given point, and the ten desires of your soul are rather… dark."

"Ran said those glyphs in your shrine are dangerous!" Chen, the Nekomata who still sucks, said. She was referring to some of the dark runes she had seen in the main halls of the shrine while playing hide and seek with Toyosatomimi against the Myouren Losers in the Great Gensokyo War days ago. "Those runes are used by necromancers to summon _really_ scary things into this world! Ran forbade me to use those runes in my spell cards too, so how could you do this? Unfair!" It was clear at this point that the said nekomata was still too immature to understand the difference between fun and dangerous.

Hakurei only shrugged, claiming that 'I was doing what I had to'. "I, the Hakurei shrine maiden, still swears by my duties as a miko even in afterlife, and it is my mission to ensure the safety of humanity. Even at the cost of friends dearest to me, at the cost of my existence, I serve humanity till the end!"

Toyosatomimi rejected her claims, calling them 'baseless acts that does not depict your actions over the past weeks'. She then recounted a multitude of evidences of miko impersonation against the ghost with the aid of Kirisame's projection from her hakkero, an invention she claimed to have worked with the kappa Kawashiro Nitori. The tireless hours put in by the combined efforts of Team Marisa produced a list of incriminating evidences on parchment that was almost inexhaustible. For the readers' sake, CNN Weekly will only reproduce critical sections of the list:

**-Riding a stolen bicycle _without limbs_ (Contributed by Kirisame, 21st Nov issue)  
-Ordering a doll from Margatroid Alice with no known source of money to pay for (Cirno, 31st Oct issue)  
-Not being bothered about the destroyed donation box (Cirno, 31st Oct issue)  
-Doing nothing during the big flood on Youkai Mountain (Chen, 7th Nov issue)  
-Disaster is actually a fiction based on a book titled '2012' stolen from the Voile (Kirisame)  
-Accepting a war instead of resolving it through danmaku, which was the true purpose of the Spellcard Rules (Chen)  
-Blurring the boundaries between humans and youkai (Kirisame)  
-Using dark arts and glyphs in the Hakurei Shrine (Toyosatomimi)**

"Any of them could be excused. But add them all up, it's clear you are an impostor, and your desires confirmed it to be so."

Kirisame had added on that 'nobody ever knows that I power my spells with mushrooms', and that only one person could have known that for a fact; her old master _Mima_, an evil spirit of Makai who, similarly to Toyosatomimi, was sealed below the shrine.

Upon hearing the revelation, the ghost cackled like the witches of boring Misty Lake Fairy Tales would, losing all resemblance of a Hakurei miko, revealing her true form to the party of four, including one stinky thousand-year old corpse. After a short display of transmogrification, Mima, the Halloween Fail Ghost Impostor, wasted no time in dealing with Team Marisa by summoning another evil ghost out of the wreckage of the Hakurei shrine, which immediately possessed the Senkai hermit.

As if on the cue, explosions and screams could be heard all across Gensokyo from our reporter's standing point as Mima willed her already-released ghosts to commence a full assault on Gensokyo's population. With Team Marisa's powerful ally turned against them, they had no choice but to take the battle right at Hakurei Shrine, leaving the rest of Gensokyo unprepared and left them for dead.

The true Gensokyo War has begun.

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**Special article brought to you by**  
Cirno (Editor, Witness)  
Rumia (Article Writing, Assistant Editor, Delivery)

**Of the Cirno News Network**

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**A.N.: Cirno is back to replace Rumia on the writing table! And yes, a cookie for all of you who have picked up the first major clue that Mima was involved in the 21st Nov issue. **

**Special articles, which usually only contain one news report, will be written if there's something important to cover, otherwise I would usually leave them for the weekly issue. As usual, if you find that I missed out something or if some information doesn't seem to link right, please do not hesitate to let me know.**

**Stuff worth mentioning:**

**First paragraph: Obvious parody of Super Mario Bros**

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**Edit 19/12: Hi guys, I've reached the point where this little incident I tried to write is going nowhere, I have no idea how to get it going anymore. Truly regretted trying this, should have stuck to what I was doing best: writing random nonsense for each issue. I have two choices here currently, both of which I do not really like:  
**

**1) Continue with this low-quality writing that I have observed myself writing. The spark of Cirno's journalism had long died when Reimu went missing.  
**

**2) Terminate this project (CNN Weekly) totally, seeing that I can't just revert Gensokyo back to normal in a snap of my fingers.  
**

**When I wrote my first CNN Weekly issue, I thought it was going to be my best work ever. Turns out a simple mistake sent that dream shattering to bits and pieces. The damage done here is irreversible, unless I delete every single issue related to the incident and rewrite them, which is going to take a really long time, something which I don't have. No, the world won't end in 2012, but mine will if I don't keep up with IRL commitments. And even if I did rewrite them, I still need to think of new ideas for future issues. It's really hard to work alone, but it's my own personal project.  
**

**To all my readers of CNN Weekly, no matter the outcome of my decision... thank you... both guests and users of this site, who have left comments, criticisms, encouragement and/or added me as favorites/follows. Your enthusiastic support for Cirno's journalism was extremely heartwarming. Special thanks goes out to those I had approached for their ideas, and fellows at Let's Danmaku forum, you guys are the craziest fun bunch I've met on forums for a while.  
**

**Lastly, for those who are interested in what I actually had planned for this incident, you are free to PM me for the story.  
**


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